Tale of the tape: Historical figures vs. WWE Superstars


Tale of the tape: Historical figures vs. WWE Superstars

When you dive into the Wikipedia rabbit hole, you’ll learn about the brilliant minds and the destructive warriors who changed the world in one way or another. Leading nations and making discoveries is great and all, but how would these people fare in a fight?

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To find out, WWE.com went to the experts, asking nine Superstars what historical figures — from politicians to actors— they would want to face inside the squared circle. Forget the space-time continuum, because history’s greatest are traveling through time to test their strength in a WWE ring. 

Sheamus vs. Genghis Khan


Tale of the tape: Historical figures vs. WWE Superstars

“If I could fight anyone in history, then it would have to be the man who conquered half the world and was easily the greatest military leader of all time and a skilled hand-to-hand warrior: Genghis Khan. The Chinese had to build a Great Wall that could wrap around the Earth twice, and they still couldn’t keep his Mongolian hordes at bay. More people are genetically related to him than anyone else in history. He sure was a busy fella.

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“When he died, he was still undefeated, so he’s arguably the greatest warrior of all time. Put him in a WWE ring and I’d Brogue Kick Genghis all the way back to Ulan Bator.

“I bet he was a ginger, too.”

Dolph Ziggler vs. Abraham Lincoln


Tale of the tape: Historical figures vs. WWE Superstars

“I heard that Abraham Lincoln was a pretty good amateur wrestler. He’s a tall guy, and a lot of tall guys get very far in this business, and I like to take them down a notch every once in a while. He stood for a lot of good things, and I’ll stand up for the little guys.

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“He’d be gangly, like Sagat from ‘Street Fighter,’ but he could also reach far. Most importantly, he could step over the top rope like a couple of giants do, so it’s very impressive. Plus, add that hat and he’s like 7-foot-5.” 

Kane vs. Plato


Tale of the tape: Historical figures vs. WWE Superstars

“Plato’s theory of epistemology is all wrong. He had the Allegory of the Cave, and he thought people perceived reality like it was shadows on a cave wall. And that was like a puppet show. You know how people perceive reality? Through pain and suffering. That’s how you perceive reality.

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“I’m more methodical and punishing. Plato would be a lot more agile and would strike with pinpoint accuracy. He would bring a very cerebral style — a Cerebral Assassin, much like Triple H.

“I’d have trouble finding a toga that fit because I’m a pretty big guy. But otherwise, I would do very well sitting around a fire, debating philosophy.” 

Bray Wyatt vs. Samson


Tale of the tape: Historical figures vs. WWE Superstars

“Samson was not just a man. He was beyond mortal, but with flaws. And my calling in this world is to pick out character flaws and exploit them.

“If no one knew that you’d only have to cut off his hair, he’d be undefeatable. If you look at the accounts in the Bible, he was able to crush stone and basically move mountains. That’s when I come in with the microscope. I dissect him mentally, and therefore, physically.

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“What a better way than to rewrite the only book in this life and this world that really matters, and recreate it in my own image. Who’s to say I wasn’t there?”

Kofi Kingston vs. Bruce Lee


Tale of the tape: Historical figures vs. WWE Superstars

“There’s no one better than Bruce Lee when it comes to martial arts, when it comes to entertainment, and when it comes to doing phenomenal things. It would be a fantastic matchup. He’s one of the guys who I’ve molded several of my moves and my style after. It would definitely be a dream match.

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“Bruce Lee was so ahead of his time, when he was doing his thing, being a movie star and also legitimate martial artist. That’s the kind of person that he would be in this day and age as well. He definitely would find ways to do things that had never been seen before, which is what he did during his time.” 

Neville vs. Isaac Newton


Tale of the tape: Historical figures vs. WWE Superstars

“I’d choose Isaac Newton because I’ve outed him as the fraud that he is. All of his theories are nonsense. Gravity doesn’t exist in my world. He’s a pencil-neck geek. His theories and his huge brain wouldn’t fare well in a WWE environment.

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“Based on his theories, he’d be very ground-based. He’d be shocked and surprised to see my moveset and the things that I do. It would really shock him and make him question his life’s work.”

Stardust vs. John Wayne


Tale of the tape: Historical figures vs. WWE Superstars

“John Wayne: He’s the Duke. He was the benchmark for that era. And in this day especially, what we need more than anything is men like John Wayne. Everybody today wants to be unassuming, and look like Seth Rogen. Nobody likes our heroes anymore. John Wayne would just kick your a**. We need more men like that.

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“John Wayne can stand toe to toe with almost every WWE Superstar, other than those who can run circles around him. It was well known that John Wayne didn’t have the best wind and the best cardiovascular system. So I would literally run circles around him until he got tired, then kick him in the face.”

Bo Dallas vs. George Washington


Tale of the tape: Historical figures vs. WWE Superstars

“The first President of the United States, George Washington, is someone I looked up to as a little child. He is someone who cannot and would not tell a lie. I’ve adopted that into my life and lived by that, so I would love to get into the ring with George Washington because I look up to him so much.

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“George Washington would be a brawler. I consider myself somewhat of a brawler, as well. But I am much more experienced in the art of battle. I would come out on top, for sure. I’m a much better wrestler. That’s obvious.”

The Miz vs. Charlie Chaplin


Tale of the tape: Historical figures vs. WWE Superstars

“As the biggest Hollywood star in WWE and in the world, I would have to take on a fellow actor, and I would have to go with Charlie Chaplin.

“He’s wiry; he’s fast. He’s silent but he’s deadly. He’s got a cane, so he would fare pretty, pretty well. And I love the fact that he doesn’t talk because I’m a talker.

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“People think I’m just a talker and that’s all I am, though. They don’t realize how much emotion I convey when I’m not talking. I would probably be more famous than Charlie Chaplin in the silent film industry. I’m a great performer. I’m an artist. I’m an actor. I can sing, dance, I can do it all.”

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