15 WWE-inspired baseball teams
If there’s one pastime WWE.com’s editors love almost as much as pro graps, it’s baseball. Check out our concepts for 15 ballclubs based on Superstars both past and present, and don’t crowd the plate. Our pitchers will take your head off. ILLUSTRATIONS BY ANDY HALL
Atlanta Jackhammers (inspired by Goldberg)
Mascot: Dents the Door
Ballpark nickname: “The Construction Site”
The ace pitcher for the Atlanta Jackhammers once shocked the baseball world by reeling off 173 consecutive shutout innings. Sluggers from Greenwich, Conn., to Hollywood, Calif., were left frustrated, as fans chanted “Who’s next?!” after every out. Following a brief retirement, he returned with quick success to lead the Jackhammers to a third championship.
Death Valley Deadmen (inspired by The Undertaker)
Mascot: Rotty the Zombie
Stadium: “The Funeral Parlor”
Don’t expect any rain delays at a Death Valley Deadmen game. Storm clouds seem to have permanently parked over “The Funeral Parlor,” unleashing thunder and lightning for all nine innings. And try not to be unnerved by the crowd that sits in dead silence, staring blankly at the field, except for when they chow down on the park’s trademark dish, a chewy meat they call “Brains.” It is a nickname, right?
Cincinnati Lunatics (inspired by Dean Ambrose)
Mascot: The Cincinnati Thumbtack
Ballpark nickname: “The Asylum”
Baseball in Cincinnati dates back to the 1800s, but the Cincinnati Lunatics aren’t your great-great-great granddad’s team. You’ll never see the Asylum faithful, dubbed the “Loonies,” without their signature foam barbed wire bats, especially during the
San Jose Tube Men (inspired by Bayley)
Ballpark nickname: “Hug-icon Valley”
Not only do the Tube Men refuse to wear fitted caps, but they also insist on sporting their snapbacks slung to the side — even if their ponytails often distract opposing batters. Only hugs in the dugout can outnumber the strikeouts on the field.
St. Louis Vipers (inspired by Randy Orton)
Ballpark nickname: “The Pit”
The St. Louis Vipers are known for having the best concessions west of the Mississippi. That reputation is thanks in large part to the iconic Viper Dog, a foot-long frank covered in guacamole and whatever else the chef has handy. Whenever you head into “The Pit,” you sure won’t leave it hungry.
Pensacola Big Dogs (inspired by Roman Reigns)
Mascots: Howl and Bonez
Ballpark nickname: “The Dog Bowl”
Baseball adheres to two principles: Vin Scully is a national treasure and chicks dig the long ball. Quite simply, the Pensacola Big Dogs’ recent success doesn’t come from practicing Tom Emanski defensive drills in their yard — even if Fred McGriff endorses them — it’s from socking a few dingers.
Davenport Architects (inspired by Seth Rollins)
Ballpark nickname: “The High Rise”
Billy Beane? Branch Rickey? Charlie Donovan? The General Freakin’ Manager of the Davenport Architects puts them all to shame. He orchestrated several three-team deals with the Cincinnati and Pensacola franchises, and has been known to risk it all to make a run at the pennant.
Rocky Mountain Mastodons (inspired by Vader)
Mascot: Leon the Mastodon
Stadium nickname: “The White Castle of Fear”
A remote ballpark in the snowy peaks of the Rocky Mountains, “The White Castle of Fear” is home to one of the hardest-hitting teams in all of baseball. The high altitude makes for a homerun-filled game, and the surly crowd ensures any visiting team doesn’t leave without a few bruises.
Harlem Sewer Rats (inspired by Bad News Brown)
Ballpark nickname: “The Cesspool”
From across 110th Street in New York City, the Harlem Sewer Rats have been blasting homers off every beer-bellied sharecropper and spineless cockroach pitcher who dares to step onto their field. They may not always play by the rules, but there’s not an umpire around that’s brave enough to tell them what to do.
New Orleans Witch Doctors (inspired by Papa Shango)
Ballpark nickname: “The Waiting Room”
Remember all the cute, harmless fun of the movie “Angels in the Outfield”? Similar, unexplained moments routinely occur during Witch Doctors games, but you would never use cute or harmless to describe them. Be afraid when your favorite team hits the road against the Witch Doctors. Yes, that is black ooze dripping from your starting pitcher’s forehead.
Dudleyville Tables (inspired by The Dudley Boyz)
Ballpark nickname: “The Lumber Yard”
The Dudleyville Tables win everywhere they go. They’ve clinched pennants in Philadelphia, Atlanta and New York. When the Tables roll into town for a four-game set, the only Pythagorean expectation is that a team sporting some tie-dyed uniforms will leave the home squad feeling broken.
Atlantic City Avalanche (inspired by King Kong Bundy)
Mascot: Snowflake the Yeti
Ballpark nickname: “The Condominium”
Recently purchased by The Million Dollar Corporation, the Atlantic City Avalanche have been signing every big-money free agent of late. No team outside the majors has been this stacked since Mr. Burns successfully lured Darryl Strawberry and Ken Griffey to Springfield in the early ’90s.
Winnipeg Rockgods (inspired by Chris Jericho)
Mascot: Mike the Mic
Ballpark nickname: “The Amphitheatre”
The jumbotron at “The Amphitheatre” is the most insanely expensive, comically large screen at any ballpark in the league. It’s cold in Winnipeg, so don’t be a stupid idiot! Bring your warmest, most colorful scarf. If it lights up, even better.
Three Mile Island Meltdown (inspired by Adam Bomb)
Mascot: Li’l Isotope
Ballpark nickname: “The Power Plant”
No sight in sports is more beautiful than when an umpire yells “Let’s play two!” and the green glow of the sunset blankets Three Mile Island Meltdown’s “Power Plant.” The Meltdown were an expansion franchise in the early ’90s, during baseball’s fabled “New Generation” of teams, but with so many future All-Stars passing through, clearly there’s something in the water.
Aberdeen Flying Goats (inspired by Daniel Bryan)
Mascot: Billy the Bearded Goat
Stadium: “The Farm”
There’s nothing better than a summer night at the ballpark with your buddies, grabbing a couple vegan hot dogs and slurping down locally sourced organic carrot juice. If you like watching gritty, technically sound small-ball against the scenic backdrop of the Pacific Northwest, the Flying Goats are your team!