Going down under
"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." — Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, 1939
Your Paragon Of Virtue has successfully returned from touring Thailand, Singapore and Australia. It's no secret that even the world down under needs YOUR Guiding Light to shine his light upon such a dark nation. I mean, you know me; I'm always on the move to expand my global congregation that is the New Breed!
Speaking of which, when it comes to My New Breed, I will admit, we've had our share of weirdoes, which includes an ex-teacher who has no sense of fashion, a guy who thinks he's a vampire, another whose animal instinct gets the best of him at times, and even a tattooed PUNK named Charles Montgomery, but never have I seen folks any stranger than the ones down under in Australia! There's one in particular that comes to mind so allow YOUR Host of Hosts to take you on a quick journey:
It's two hours before show time in Perth, Australia, and there are hundreds of fans gathered outside, waiting to get a glimpse of yours truly. However, I really need to get to the gym. So I take my trusty hand towel, throw it over my head, and with two security escorts, head through the massive crowd to get to the gym, which is adjacent to the hotel's parking garage. Once inside the gym, I have about an hour to workout. Security (Australia's version of Men In Black) guards the door for any suspecting fans that may be trying to sneak in. Then, it happened. Out of nowhere comes this kid who is about 18 years old, about 6-foot-2, 85 pounds soaking wet, and gets on a treadmill next to me. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that this kid had no intentions of working out. I mean, Stevie Wonder could clearly see that this kid has never trained a day in his life. Now, do I have a problem with that? Of course not! However, my problem was that the kid, who looked like a rocker, was wearing a KISS shirt and um, no pants. That's right, the kid was in this gym wearing only his white (dingy, might I add) BVDs! WTH? How did this happen? So, of course, the kid starts telling me how great I am, and how I should be the ECW Champion. "Thanks," I said. "But how did you get in here?" This is the funny part: "Oh, I'm staying here at the hotel and I tried to come in when I saw you, but they wouldn't let me in because I was wearing leather pants and no workout clothes, so I took my leather pants off so I'll be allowed in the gym." Are you kidding me? I felt like running straight up to the front desk and hitting someone with the Elijah Express.
Do I blame the kid? Nah. He seized the moment, even though I would've liked to work out in peace. I do remember him telling me that he wants to be a rock star, and currently plays in a local band. My advice to him: Cut your hair (it looked like a mop in a night club's restroom), hit the gym when there aren't any famous people around, get a tan (the kid was whiter than my teeth), keep your pants on, and for crying out loud, GO TAKE A SHOWER… multiple showers! The kid smelled so bad my eyes started burning! He smelled worse than Balls Mahoney on a city bus in 120-degree Arizona weather without any working air conditioning. Just gawd awful!
Well, being that I took up a considerable amount of space, I'll include only one question this week for Face 2 Face. I chose this certain question(s) because I know a lot of you are curious about my "Redneck Brother" Gary and his Bullfrog CM Punk. Well, here's Gary, in his own words:
My Redneck Brother Gary writes: Hey Elijah, I just wanted to update you on my toad (CM Punk). He is getting a big head, but he is still green behind his ears. He has some really weird markings on him; I actually think one of them looks like a Pepsi symbol? I also noticed that his knees are really sticking up high, so my question is, why are CM Punk's knees always kicking you in the face? I would think after the third time, you would just stomp on the toad and continue on with your pursuit to become the ECW Champion! Thank You, Your redneck brother, Red
P.S. By the way, yes I know how to use spell cheek!
ECWHOH writes: LOL. You know how to use spell cheek? Lol, ya gotta love a true redneck!
Questions, comments or concerns? E-mail your Paragon of Virtue at ECWHOH@yahoo.com and I will respond to your e-mails Face 2 Face in this very column.