Fighting another day
Isn't it funny how YOUR Host of Hosts and YOUR Guiding Light was shafted when it comes to the Royal Rumble? I mean, let's look at the facts here. When I came face to face with the "Inebriated Wonder" Sandman, didn't I defeat him? So why is he in the Royal Rumble and not me? Then I came face to face with CM Punk, Mr. Straightedge, who is also in the Rumble. How could such an injustice happen? How could someone like CM Punk, who jumped me in the ring before I could get my entrance gear off, be deserving of a spot in the Rumble? After jumping me, CM Punk immediately had an advantage over YOUR hero. But much like Bluto after seeing that Popeye had somehow received superhuman strength, I battled on. Needless to say, at the end of the match, CM Punk used a handful of tights to score the victory over yours truly. However, much like Skeletor, I live to fight another day.
Now, a lot of you sit at home and wish that you could somehow go face to face with the Experience. You sit on your couch with all of your girth hanging over the edge, crumbs on your hairy chest, (male and female) and insects crawling all over yourself saying, "If I could only get off this couch, I would march straight over to that television screen and give Elijah a piece of my mind."
Thanks to the invention of Internet TV, which allows you to access the Internet on your TV screen, and the fact that I'm true to my word, today is the day.
Hundreds of you have submitted e-mails to your "Paragon of Virtue" with your questions and comments. Most of you have not a clue how to put a sentence together. But because I'm true to the cause, I hired a team of scientists and professors to better understand your e-mails. So without further ado, here are my three picks for this week's "Face to Face!"
#3. Jeaux writes: Please give me your thoughts on the following:
Okay singer of the '80s era
Sugar Ray Leonard
Greatest African-American Lightweight Boxer
Didn't see the movie
Great African-American Heavyweight Boxer
The Greatest of all-time
Greatest African-American Middleweight Boxer
Didn't he team with Super Crazy on SmackDown?
#2. Sickboy writes: I don't agree with you about how you compared Skeletor to He-Man because Skeletor is a villain who uses his sorcery for evil. He wants to harm people while He-Man protects people from evil guys like Skeletor. When it comes to fighting for survival there are no rules and I'm sure you know Skeletor does everything he can to destroy He-Man, but he can't because He-Man is simply the better man— just like Sandman is the better man than you.
I read your other blog about how you were talking about New Year's Resolutions and dissing people by telling them if they can't complete their goal within a year, then they would never be able to do it. That is obviously not true, and just because somebody fails at a certain goal doesn't mean they can't always get back up and go for it again.
For your name's sake, go to a doctor. You really are in need of help. You watch way too many cartoons. Remember, I never told anyone that I was referring to you when I wrote my New Year's Resolution blog; you just did, you moron!
#1. Justin writes: First of all, leave the Road Runner and Coyote out of this. Secondly, if you think the Singapore cane is such an unfair advantage, then why don't you bring one? The reason everyone cheers the Sandman is that unlike you, he's not afraid of an ass-kicking. He also knows when to shut up. Seriously, shut up. You're in ECW now. Get used to fighting with weapons. Get used to bleeding. You're going to get in the ring with the most dangerous men on earth. Now quit whining and take your beatings like a man.
There's a reason I'm YOUR Guiding Light. I know all things; so allow me to shine some light on this matter. After reviewing your e-mail (which included such words as: bleeding, foreign objects and *ss) my team of scientists and I have come to the conclusion that you're in an abusive relationship.
It appears that it all started as a fun way to spice up things a little during your private time, but it soon got out of control. Now, I know this is very painful to discuss, but I encourage you to turn "him" over to the authorities. He's not worth your life and "he" shall not hurt you anymore. Please Justin, you can do it. Just pick up the phone and dial 911. If "he" finds out about your decision to leave before the situation is handled, turn to the east and run!
Editor's note: Don't agree with me? Send me your thoughts, comments and questions to ECWHOH@yahoo.com. Every other week, in this column, YOUR "Paragon of Virtue" responds publicly to your emails!