J.R.'s Superstar of the Week - William Regal
Greetings from under the 200X, black, Resistol hat from WWE's resident Okie who's loving life in a sultry, Norman, Okla., where football, barbecue, and SummerSlam are in the air.
This week's celebrity panel of experts contacted, in part, through a séance just outside the city limits of Parts Unknown and who include Bulldog Brower, Bull Curry, Bull Nakano, Bull Ramos, Bulldog Bob Brown, Bull Bullinski, Bull Buchanan, and the Wild Bull of the Pampas have selected, along with yours truly, this week's Raw Superstar of the Week. This winner is … the new, Raw General Manager and the man who outfoxed the field by winning the Mr. McMahon-mandated Battle Royal Monday night in Buffalo, William Regal! Come on, let's hear it for him! The wings are on us!
I mentioned on Raw that ZZ Top's Dusty Hill has been really impressed with young Cody Rhodes' recent bouts on WWE's flagship broadcast, Monday Night Raw. (Or as Rhodes' dear old Dad, the American Dream, might say, "the mother ship".) ZZ's Dusty is a loyal viewer of Monday Night Raw, usually from his home near Galveston, Texas. The missus and I attended a recent ZZ Top concert in Oklahoma City recently, which is why I know that Dusty Hill is a Raw viewer and a longtime wrestling fan. And I am not simply making this up to come off like Larry King and keep dropping names of my famous friends.
Speaking of Mr. Regal, I wonder how long it will be before the GM and his Executive Assistant, Jonathan Coachman, start acting like Britney and K-Fed? Coachman, who is NOT related to The Weather Channel's Paul Goodloe, got passed over for the Raw General Manager's job quicker than Brad Pitt left the courthouse when he was told he was not needed for jury duty.
Did you know that Snitsky was a nasty offensive tackle for the University of Missouri Tigers once upon a time? Key words here are "nasty" and "offensive." The 300-pounder was not required to wear a mouthpiece during games if you were curious.
Jillian Hall is a fine wrestler, but the young woman can't sing a lick as in Jillian makes old, lazy, town dogs bark. I was a little surprised that Jillian beat Mickie James Monday night, but Jerry "The King" Lawler's idea of a duet featuring Jillian and Lilian didn't surprise me, considering the source. "Jillian and Lilian" has quite a ring to it.
It is highly unlikely that the set designer for Carlito's Cabana will not be nominated for an Emmy. But considering that I have never seen a real Emmy, I am only speculating. Nonetheless, Conan O'Brien, one of my late night favorites, has no worries when it comes to being replaced by Carlito anytime soon. Carlito & Randy Orton will make a great team, and if you don't believe me just ask them, come Monday night against John Cena & Umaga. You read it right.
My Hall of Fame broadcast partner, Jerry "The King" Lawler will no doubt be in a humiliating situation Monday night in the hallowed hall of the World's Most Famous Arena, Madison Square Garden, when the Maven of Memphis has to officially "crown" King Booker as "king" of, I assume, Monday Night Raw. Or could it be of the entire WWE? Whatever it is, one could safely wager a delicious rib and brisket dinner from J.R.'s Family Bar-B-Q Restaurant (cheap plug ala Mick Foley) that Booker will spread the humiliation on Lawler thicker than Melanie Griffith's lips. At least Jerry will still be the Bruce Willis of WWE when it comes to his relationships with twenty-something year-old, young women.
I think the man said his name was KENNEDY……KENNEDY. At least that's what I think Mr. Kennedy said. I'll check the tape and get back to you.
While I am thinking about it, I would like to send get well wishes to Bobby Lashley who underwent quite the surgery on his shoulder this past Tuesday down in Birmingham, Ala., under the skilled hands of Dr. James Andrews. Dr. Andrews has repaired so many WWE Superstars that the athletes should begin referring to Dr. Andrews as "Saint Andrews." Lashley looks to be out of action now for a few months, thanks to the unnecessary actions of Mr. Whatshisname.
Hey kids, it's the return of The Dating Game, a show many of your folks watched when you were just a figment of their imagination. The part of Jim Lange, the host, was played swimmingly by Lord, er, General Manager, William Regal. Maria, our lucky contestant, won a "date" ("just for fun, Santino") with the succinct, splendid-speaking Simmons … Ron Simmons, that is. DAMN!
The word Spam rarely gets utilized on Raw, so for all us Spam lovers in this great land of ours I want to thank Ron Simmons for creating awareness for this beloved mystery meat -- which goes great with Tang.
Upon further review and after checking the tape, the man's name was KENNEDY.
Even though the lovely and talented William Regal (are we sure that's his real name?) apparently can't pronounce Umaga, the new GM, with a truly lovely head of hair, has made Umaga the tag team partner of John Cena this Monday night in The Garden. As the late Maxwell Smart might say, "very interesting." Will this be no more than a less-than-elaborately-disguised Handicap Match? Has Umaga turned over a new leaf? Will Cena be able to co-exist with the Samoan Bulldozer, who is the very same large man that has battled Cena on many occasions? Will Barry Bonds ever be loved? Will Mets and Yankee fans have a shouting contest in New York City Monday night on live, national TV? Sorry - too much Sports Center this week. Bottom line is that it seems to me that the controversial WWE Champ John Cena has figuratively made a rather smelly mess and has tracked it into the house.
So now, in addition to not one but two Congressional committees wanting to speak to the Chairman of WWE and the IRS preparing to conduct an apparent audit, NOW we find out that the "genetic jackhammer" (aka Mr. McMahon) has been served with a paternity suit. There are many more questions to this matter than answers.
Is this alleged "love child" a boy or a girl, youngster or an adult, a WWE fan or not? Does he or she have a cleft chin? How about good hair? Or exhibit, at times, furious anger? Does this person use the term "notwithstanding" a great deal or have Mick Jagger-like lips ala the esteemed Chairman of WWE? A hugely successful, publicly-traded company? Where does Linda McMahon stand in light of this shocking information? Could divorce papers be next for the most powerful man in sports-entertainment? What about the McMahon children, who have children of their own to counsel on this shocking matter? Where do Shane and Stephanie stand on the allegations that they may have a half-brother or sister of a still to be determined sex, age, ethnicity, social standing, etc? But wait there's more … what about the woman that claims she did the "wild thing" with the Chairman that has produced this soon to be rich child out of wedlock? Wow.
The plot continues to thicken, and another log will no doubt be placed on the fire come this Monday night on Raw. I suggest you stay tuned. See you Monday night when we travel to the world's greatest city and rock the World's Most Famous Arena.