12 dirty jobs that John Laurinaitis could assign to Teddy Long
Being a General Manager of SmackDown or Raw involves overseeing the tedious, behind-the-scenes tasks that add up to a successful event. Of course, assigning someone else to do the dirty work is one of the perks of the coveted role.
With Team Johnny’s win at WrestleMania XXVIII crowning him as the undisputed GM of both brands, John Laurinaitis now gets to dole out those thankless responsibilities to whomever he deems fit. Lately, those burdensome and often embarrassing assignments keep getting directed to one man in particular: Laurinaitis’ former rival GM, Theodore Long. When Mr. Excitement needs a personal Royal Guard in London or a proxy at ringside to raise Antonio Cesaro’s arm in triumph, he expects Long and Long alone to do it - whether he wants to or not.
Long dutifully takes his lumps and begrudgingly completes everything asked of him by the People Power administration, but what other denigrating errands might Laurinaitis ask of him? Take a look at 12 dirty jobs in WWE that, unfortunately for Long, would only be assigned by Laurinaitis to the former GM of SmackDown.
Ricardo Rodriguez’s personal ring announcer
Alberto Del Rio may pay for the privilege of having his entrance trumpteted to the WWE Universe, but someone also needs to proclaim the impending arrival of The Mexican Aristocrat’s personal ring announcer as well. Otherwise, who would notice that Ricardo Rodriguez is the shrinking violet at ringside?
Making the capacity crowd stand up and acknowledge Rodriguez’s arrival may take a Herculean effort on Long’s part if Laurinaitis sees this job as a good fit. If Long can come up with a way to amp up an audience for the meager announcer that arrived at the 2012 Royal Rumble Match in a beat-up 1985 Datsun, then the salary of the former SmackDown GM is a steal at twice the price.
Brock Lesnar’s sparring partner
Laurinaitis made a sizable commitment of money and promises when he brought Brock Lesnar back to WWE. So it only makes sense that Mr. Excitement would protect his investment in the “new face of WWE” by making sure Lesnar’s every need is met – including his need for a sparring partner.
Long experienced a limited share of success in the ring, but none of those challenges would compare to accepting this sadistic assignment. Allowing a freakish brute like Lesnar to practice his repertoire on a man that’s 30 years his elder just seems cruel, especially after watching how Lesnar imposed his will on John Cena for the majority of their match at WWE Extreme Rules. Then again, Laurinaitis may see that age gap as three decades of experience which should make Long just scrappy enough to get the job done.
If Mr. Excitement decreed that the former three-time WWE Champion should stay sharp by practicing his painful moves on Long, few would blame the former SmackDown GM for updating his will rather than his resume.
WWE Live Event audio technician
Serving as an audio technician seems like a primo job for anyone. They listen to great tunes, get to travel from town to town with their favorite Superstars and are guaranteed a primo seat for every WWE Live Event. Why wouldn’t Teddy Long want this unique assignment from Laurinaitis?
Two words: Jeremy Diaz. He’s the audio technician that found himself in a world of hurt for accidentally hitting Big Show’s music in a World Heavyweight Championship match on SmackDown in July 2011 between Randy Orton and Mark Henry. Upset by an audible distraction that cost him a chance at championship gold, Mark Henry inducted Diaz into the Hall of Pain with the type of colossal beating one would expect from a competitor known to the WWE Universe as The World’s Strongest Man. ( WATCH)
Mr. Excitement might feel Long is a “sound” choice for this particular assignment, while Long needs to stay far away from this task if he values his health.
One of Brodus Clay’s Funkadactyls
The funk is on a roll whenever Brodus Clay comes to ringside, but part of the cavorting competitor’s allure comes from the smooth moves of his fellow dancers. Cameron and Naomi make up the dancing duo that Clay calls the Funkadactyls, but the People Power administration may move to make them a trio.
With his moves and swagger, Long should more than hold his own when donning his dancing shoes in support of the only living Funkasaurus in captivity. However, it remains to be seen whether the former Team Teddy captain can come up with his own flattering red ensemble to match the one that the Funkadactyls made famous.
Corporate catering chef
Between the competitors, the crew and the support staff that brings all WWE events to fruition, it’s simply a lot of mouths to feed. It’s common courtesy to periodically provide them with catering before every occasions, a courtesy which Laurinaitis may assign to Long in the spirit of boosting his appetite for People Power.
Long only needs to consult with his former assistant, Santino Marella, to see how much work goes into making a square meal for a famished guest list. The United States Champion along with The Miz and Jim Ross joined forces with celebrity chef Robert Irvine on the Food Network series “Dinner: Impossible” to feed 300 WWE VIPs before SummerSlam in 2009. It took them nine hours to prep that massive meal. ( WATCH)
Could Long come up with a similar menu night in and night out while being sensitive to particular Superstar’s eating habits? If you think Laurinaitis’ looming presence would weigh heavily on Long, imagine serving a ribeye steak to a proud vegan like Daniel Bryan or beer-battered onion rings to a Straight Edge Superstar like WWE Champion CM Punk.
David Otunga’s personal barista
David Otunga likely has better things to do as Laurinaitis’ legal advisor than waiting on line for his next cup of coffee at Starbucks. The Harvard Law School graduate would presumably prefer to focus on research and litigation than the customer complaining about his latte, too.
That preference could enable Laurinaitis to solve two problems at once by assigning his loyal employee as Otunga’s personal barista. Long can mix up the brawling barrister’s favorite drinks and keep his thermos overflowing with caffeinated goodness at all hours. If the grueling hours start to wear on Long’s coffee brewing, then he can mix himself an espresso to take the edge off between Otunga’s regular orders.
The mischievous Hornswoggle can make himself a blessing or a burden to whoever shares his company. One minute, he’s the center of attention at a backstage party. The next, he’s distracting combatants engaged in battle in the ring. In between, the little person with the big heart comes up with new ways to keep himself entertained.
Considering Hornswoggle served as Team Teddy’s mascot at WrestleMania and that Long has successfully reigned him in before, John Laurinaitis may ask Long to continue keeping tabs indefinitely on the diminutive rascal. Whether Long can keep up with the little troublemaker’s antics while Mr. Excitement scrutinizes his every move is another question.
Hog Pen maintenance worker
Being a man of the people, Johnny needs to constantly try and keep things fresh - even if that means letting two competitors get down and dirty. One way he could do that is to bring back the rarely used Hog Pen Match. And what better person is there to maintain it for him than Theodore Long?
With all of the regular service this unique bout requries, Laurinaitis may give Long the opportunity to feel like a pig in slop by keeping this match’s many moving parts together. Between the pigs, the mud and the unknown substances contained within, there’s enough cruddy responsibilities in supervising the hog pen that Mr. Excitement may “farm out” this job in the spirit of People Power.
WWE Superstars and Divas need to look sharp for the cameras and for the capacity crowds – and that signature style starts with a proper haircut. This is one area where Laurinaitis leads by example, as Mr. Excitement always speaks with the confidence of knowing not a single hair atop his head is out of place.
Still, a position designing new ‘dos does not come without its share of troubles. WWE Legend Jesse “The Body” Ventura confessed that many of his early, outrageous hairstyles were carefully crafted by the stylists at Opal’s Glamorama, while Long’s bald look does not call for the same kind of dedicated care.
Could Long possess the trimming tools for a style icon like Ventura if his own visits to the barber chair involve nothing more than a razor to clear his dome?
Ryback’s local competition recruiter
The ferocious Ryback has paved a path of destruction since his SmackDown debut on the April 6 edition of SmackDown. His recent success came at the expense of various local athletes who hoped to make a name for themselves against the relentless warrior. Many have tried, but all have failed to come out on top against Ryback.
So who’s next to challenge the undefeated beast? Since few want to follow in the footsteps of the local competitors that Ryback has decimated to date, Laurinaitis may need to send someone out to actively recruit his next opponent. Long would likely need to leave no stone unturned at every mall, bar and recruiting center to find a willing grappler that will agree to participate in Ryback’s crash course to WWE greatness.
National anthem singer
Does Teddy Long possess the pipes to successfully sing The Star Spangled Banner or a country’s national anthem before the start of a WWE show? It seems like the type of experiment that Laurinaitis might attempt in order to extract all of Long’s abilities - and possibly uncover WWE’s next singing sensation in the process.
Of course, Long’s singing career would immediately become engulfed in the shadow of WWE’s resident chanteuse, Lilian Garcia. When Garcia’s not fulfilling her responsibilities as a ring announcer, the talented troubador’s recording albums and boosting national pride with her rendition of “America The Beautiful” at WrestleMania XXVIII. ( PHOTOS)
Laurinaitis might want to see if Long can croon at Garcia’s level, but the WWE Universe knows enough to let the professional serenaders handle the song duties.
If the Raw and SmackDown GM really wants Teddy Long to get his hands dirty, he might put the former SmackDown GM’s reputation in the trash.
Like it or not, the WWE Universe produces a lot of garbage as their favorite Superstars visit the local arena. From the hot dog wrappers to the souvenir packaging and everything in between, the refuse remains the only thing that gets left behind when the WWE moves on to a new town. WWE officials accept the responsibility of leaving an arena as nice as they found it, but someone needs to actually round up all that litter.
Long might see this assignment as not particularly demanding, but the blue collar life of a garbage collector can be quite trying at times. WWE’s prolific garbage giant, Duke “The Dumpster” Droese, treasured his time as the company’s rubbish remover, but his days of taking out the trash in WWE lasted less than two years.