Cody Rhodes: It’s in the bag

Cody Rhodes: It’s in the bag

For some time now, a repulsed Cody Rhodes has offered the WWE Universe “these paper bags,” so that its members might conceal the shame of their collective ugly natures. As his depraved movement toward universal isolation begins to take hold, “at great personal expense,” ventures into the depths of the jaded Superstar’s mind in order to discover who (or what) he thinks is most deserving of his recyclable wrath:


Oprah Winfrey:
Cody Rhodes understands that society's dregs use television as a mindless escape from the cruel realities of their pathetic, revolting lives. If there’s a more cherished television personality than Oprah, he has yet to notice it. Therefore, Rhodes has set aside one pulped packaging container to cast a shadow over the excessively enthusiastic putrescence that is everybody’s No. 1 media sensation. Paper bag!


The World Heavyweight Championship:
Although Rhodes clearly prefers to "brown bag" the repugnant personalities of both his opponents and the WWE Universe, nothing would satisfy him more than to capture the World Title and place it inside one of his brittle beauties – thus hiding its golden hypocrisy from all those who would gaze at its supposed splendor. Paper bag!



His Groceries:
Tortured soul or not, even the bitterest Superstar needs to save a paper bag or two to bring home his milk, produce, toothpaste, Fruity Pebbles and the occasional home improvement magazine. It’s true, he could use reusable grocery bags, but that would just be too positive. Paper bag




As the only Diva in the Smurf village, every Smurf thinks she’s just “smurfy.” It’s like the song goes: “Don’t be smurfed by the smurf that she’s got / She’s still, she’s still smurfy on the block / Used to have a little now she has a smurf / Everywhere she smurfs, she smurfs where she smurfs from.”  However, Rhodes understands that underneath that pretty, blue façade is nothing more than a sad, lonely cartoon in denial. Paper bag!


WWE Chairman Mr. McMahon:
Every time the tormented Rhodes journeys down to the ring, he is forced to suffer the repulsive sight of the WWE Universe. Who better to blame for this than the chairman of the very company that sells the people their tickets? Rhodes knows that Mr. McMahon has dedicated his life to bringing the horrid masses to WWE live events, thus perpetuating his mania that rips at his soul on a weekly basis. Paper bag!


Taylor Swift:
Enter the quintessential young pop star, a vision of loveliness and perfection. Notice her beautiful hair, lovely face and stunning voice. But, for the true nature of her revolting charade, Rhodes need search no further than one of her biggest hits, “You Belong with Me.” In her flawed attempt to grab the “every girl” fan base, Swift drones on about some guy who won’t date her because she … doesn’t look or dress right; because she sits on the bleachers instead of grabbing the spotlight?! Denial! Lies! Paper bag!


Justin Bieber:
No explanation needed. Paper bag!







Sigmund Freud:
If Rhodes had only one bag to give, he may choose to use it on The Father of Modern Psychology himself. It’s Mr. Freud’s legacy that has helped countless people deal with their inner-demons in an open and healthy way, rather than repressing their feelings; hiding their unsightly darkness away from the world forever. Shame on you, Sigmund Freud! Shame on you, psychology! Paper bag! Paper bag! Paper bag!


Lose yourself in a photo collection of Cody Rhodes bag moments

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