Santa Dee is coming to town
As Bing Crosby once said, it's the most wonderful time of the year. Mostly because my friends and family give me free stuff, but hey, that's just how I am. This year, however, I'm in a bit of a giving mood, so Santa Dee has decided to do some Holiday shopping! Because the RAW Superstars were very good little boys and girls this past week, Santa Dee has picked up gifts for some of them, as well as a few other lucky individuals. Whether or not they like what they find under the tree is debatable, but I don't care; I never liked getting socks every year either, but that never stopped my mother. And she always wrapped them so they looked like something cool, too, but then I'd open the package and BOOM! SOCKS! Disappointment personified.
Anyway, I've made my list and checked it twice, so now it's time to pack up my sleigh…which looks strangely like a Honda Civic, but let's suspend our disbelief. Let's hitch up these reindeer and deliver my gifts! On Circumstance, on Matrat, on Meatplow and Ziggy…on Butcher, on Sloppy, FM-200 and Dickie! Hi-ho Santa Dee Away!
For Carlito: A year's supply of Soul Glow. The Sideshow Bob thing really isn't working out, so make like Darryl Jenks and just let your Soul Glow!
For Coach: The Hit-Away and a copy of Tom Emanski's defensive drills video. INSIDE JOKE ALERT! You see, Coach is the on-field "leader" of the WWE softball team. This past year, Coach "played" the outfield and led his team to an outstanding 3-12 record, pulling himself out of several games because of his inability to hit the deadly 3 MPH heater. Ah, but hey, I still love him. I did buy his action figure, after all. Enjoy that $.07 royalty check, buddy.
For Chris Masters: Some self-confidence. He's sorely lacking in that department, no?
For Edge: A Dmitri Young rookie card to put in his briefcase once that title shot is gone.
For Kurt Angle & Daivari: A copy of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.
For Jerry Lawler: Jessica Simpson….and for Joey Styles, Nick Lachey! ZING!
For John Cena: A nice Peyton Manning jersey.
For Howard Finkel: A box of Swisher Sweets and a copy of "Coaching for Dummies." INSIDE JOKE PART TWO! Yes, Finkel is the manager of the aforementioned softball juggernaut. Maybe if Louie Dee got a few more at bats, he'd look more like Joe Torre than Grady Little. Although I must say, you will never hear anything funnier than the Fink announcing the names when he reads the starting lineup. How does Louie Dee sound when he does that? Yeah, that would require him using me.
For Matt Striker: Some new chalkboard erasers and perhaps some new audio cables for his classroom. Next time, don't use the ones you have as arm tassels, Matt.
For Trevor Murdoch: A spittoon and a shirt with sleeves. You gotta look the part if you want to be RAW GM, big guy.
For Todd Grisham: A hot dog smothered in brown mustard and a tall, cool Budweiser served to him by a guy named Norm. HEY!
For Triple H: A nice tool belt, so he doesn't have to go looking under the ring for his trusty sledgehammer any more.
For Candice Michelle & Maria: If I can find a way to be in two places at once, I'll see you on Christmas Day, ladies.
For Keith Scully: A clue, and wishes for a healthy 2006 for himself and Mrs. Scully so I can continue to make him look stupid every month.
For Nunzio & Vito: Fishing poles. With all that live bait crawling around, you might as well make use of it…just as long as you don't end up sleeping with the fishes. Yeah, they're on SmackDown, but they're paisans, so they're alright by me.
For Terrell Owens: A muzzle and a nice fat contract from a franchise committed to winning…like Houston or Arizona.
And finally, for the WWE fans: Thanks for another year of support, and a healthy and happy Holiday season so you can continue to enjoy WWE action in 2006.
With that, Santa Dee is out for a little Christmas vacation. I bid you all a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a Happy Kwanzaa, a Festive Festivus, and a Happy New Year as well. See you in 2006!