So it's been a few weeks since Shelton Benjamin's momma showed up, and it seems like Shelton is on a roll. Okay, so he lost to HBK on RAW this week, but it took Shawn a handful of tights to get the job done. This is normally where I'd ponder how cool it is that Shelton has his momma around, but really, I can't. I mean, I've had jobs before where I worked with my parents, and it's a nightmare. Even worse, my mom was once my boss. Suffice to say, I didn't have that job for too long.
Over the years, there have been numerous families that dominated in the ring. There are the Harts, the Guerreros and the Funks, just to name a few. But Shelton's momma, she's a different story. You don't think she's going to get in the ring anytime soon, do you? Over the years, there have been a lot of random family members who have popped in and out of their relatives' lives for one reason or another. You all know I love lists, and I came up with another good one. Here they are, ladies and gentlemen…the Top 5 Random Relatives in Wrestling History!
Coming in at No. 5…Grandma Edna! Now granted, no one ever actually SAW Grandma Edna, but she holds a very influential place in WWE history. For those who don't know, Grandma Edna is Edge and Christian's grandma, and after Edge won the 2001 King of the Ring tournament, it seemed that Grandma Edna gave him more preferential treatment. Among other things, that caused Christian to turn on Edge, ending the E&C era. I'd say that turned out well for Edge, considering he's the WWE Champion and all.
Holding down No. 4 is another elder stateswoman, Granny Kim. Ah yes, you remember Hillbilly Jim's granny, don't you? Okay, so you only actually ever saw her a couple times, but if she reared a mountain of a man like Hillbilly Jim, she had to be something special. Alright, it may be a reach, but I have to wonder exactly what the stains were on that mattress that Hillbilly wrestled on when he was down home with granny.
Moving up the attractiveness scale a bit, No. 3 is Mrs. Cleavage. Ah, Beaver Cleavage, quite possibly the greatest vignette gimmick ever. Seriously, any excuse you can get to say stuff like "nobody likes a sloppy Beaver!" on national television is worth it. Plus, she was hot, and really, that's reason enough. Granted, the Cleavage family lasted all of three weeks before ol' Beav couldn't stand the charade anymore and the gimmick died. Sadly, Mrs. Cleavage passed away a couple of years ago. And no, I don't have a joke to end this paragraph.
Our first runner up: Taka Michinoku's sister. She's actually a double-whammy, as she was Yamaguchi-san's wife as well. For those who are clueless as to who I'm talking about, here's the story: back before he was a member, Taka Michinoku had a major rivalry against Funaki and the rest of Kaientai. At one point, Val Venis got involved, and revealed that the wife of Kaientai's manager, Yamaguchi-san, has starred in one of his adult films. Then, during a match between Kaientai and Taka & Val, Taka turned on the Big Valbowski, revealing that Mrs. Yamaguchi was in fact his sister. This led to one of the greatest moments in television history in my mind: I choppy choppy your pee-pee! All you need to know is involved Kaientai, a sword, and the little Valbowski. Thank God for shrinkage, indeed.
And finally, the greatest relative in wrestling history…RYAN SHAMROCK! Oh man, was I in love with Ryan Shamrock. Apparently, so was Val Venis, who recruited her to star in another one of his adult films, the infamous "Shaving Ryan's Privates" he mentioned to Shelton's momma a few weeks back. Of course, Billy Gunn was in love with her, and so was Goldust…and to make it worse, I think she loved all of them. No wonder Ken Shamrock went psycho in 1999. All I can say is watching Blue Meanie spank her on RAW may have been one of the hottest things I've ever seen. Unfortunately she disappeared after a short time, but I know I'll never forget her.
Alright, so that's my list. Oddly, it's all women, and even odder, a lot of them are related to Val Venis in one way or another. Well hey, at least three of them were pretty hot, right? I think maybe I need to start hanging out with Val a little bit more…ah, who am I kidding, that still wouldn't help me. I'm better off hanging out with Shelton and his momma…I heard she makes some fantastic cornbread.