10 biggest ignoramuses in WWE history, according to Damien Sandow
Members of the WWE Universe, please allow Damien Sandow to beg your indulgence for a moment, for he is here to help all of you.
The self-professed “Intellectual Savior to the Masses” has wasted little time in making his intention clear: To be a light that will shine steadfast and true, for all to govern their lives by. ( SANDOW’S SUPERSTAR PROFILE)
Gloriously ushering in a new era of enlightenment for which the ignorant flock so desperately yearn, Sandow has promised to elevate the simple-minded public to new heights of moral and ethical aptitude. ( WATCH)
WWE.com caught up with the stately Sandow, who was gracious enough to take a break from his isometric breathing exercises and stretching rituals. He shared some of his vast knowledge to shake the WWE Universe out of an abyss of self-imposed moral decay, to help the common ham-and-egger WWE fan avoid becoming what he feels the majority of WWE Superstars have become: complete and total ignoramuses.
If you were to look up the word “ignoramus” in the dictionary – which, unfortunately, would require mild effort on your part – you would find it means “an ignorant person, a dunce, an uncouth, unrefined individual.” With that definition in mind, the cultured and debonair Sandow generously opted to give WWE.com a few minutes of his precious time. As he replenished his energies with a revitalizing elderberry smoothie, he lamented 10 of the most prevalent ignoramuses in WWE past and present.
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin
Beer-drinking, hell-raising, authority-challenging "Stone Cold" Steve Austin forever changed the face of WWE. Few, if any, Superstars have had as profound an effect on sports-entertainment as The Texas Rattlesnake. Yet Sandow reduced Austin’s contributions to being plebian and crass, dismissively stating, “Profanity, beer and a disregard for decency and decorum. I think not.”
It’s understandable why the dignified Damien Sandow would be less than impressed with a squealing masked madman who spends his recreational time in boiler rooms. With a sneer, Sandow summed up his views on The Hardcore Legend by bringing attention to his suspect hygiene: “The man used a fungal-filled undergarment to dispatch his opponents. Need I say more?”
Not faring much better in the eyes of "The Enlightened One" was the current United States Champion, Santino Marella, whom Sandow declared, “Bilingually unintelligible.”
Not everyone can be as articulate and worldly as Sandow. However, that didn’t stop him from sharply criticizing the coherency and fluency of The Ultimate Warrior: “No command of the English language, or any language, for that matter. Next!”
Apparently, Sandow’s quest to enlighten has no need for “broskis” like The Long Island Iced-Z. “An example of Long Island's subpar public schools," he decried. "Expel this social media miscreant at once!” Sandow’s statement on social media is a bit odd, considering his active Twitter presence.
While attaching the "ignoramus" label to another WWE Legend and Hall of Famer in Dusty Rhodes, Sandow revealed himself as a bit of a neat freak: “That glutton's name rings of a dirty street not worthy of my shoe soles!”
Sandow clearly does not mince words when it comes to the lofty standards he holds WWE Superstars to, or the image he believes each should project to young viewers. That includes The Funkasaurus, Brodus Clay, of whom Sandow scoffed: “Dancing about and pretending to be a prehistoric creature is not my idea of a role model. Then again, most dinosaurs possesed pea-sized brains, so perhaps this spandex stretching simp is on to something.”
Unsurprisingly, Sandow did not approve of WWE Alumni Brooklyn Brawler’s blue-collar attitude or his unkempt, tattered wardrobe: “Maybe Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan felt even more intelligent conversing with this reform school dropout. As for the shirt, please change it.”
As confident and unflappable as Sandow appears, his thoughts on Booker T revealed that he does pay attention to the comments made about him, even if he perceives every one of those as irrelevant. “Booker T said he did not like me. At least, that's what I believe he said. I don't posses a Gibberish-to-English dictionary.” Enough said.
The typically loquacious Sandow required but two words to summarize in disgust WWE Champion CM Punk’s ignorance and subsequent classification as an ignormaus: “The tattoos!”
Damien Sandow would like to ask how it feels to be erudite and well-read? He sincerely hopes you can learn from his shining example and correct your numerous deficiencies.
Luckily, this cautionary list of WWE’s ignoramuses was but one of many lessons and seminars that “The Enlightened One” will hold to educate and make this world a better place for you, the WWE Universe and Damien Sandow. You’re welcome.