In search of the bastard Superstar

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August 14, 2007

NEW YORK -- Mr. McMahon gritted his teeth and closed his eyes. He looked like he wanted to rub his temples and that he desperately needed an aspirin. He wished he was having a prolonged nightmare, but he wasn't. Last week on Raw, the whole world had learned that he had been hit with a paternity suit that alleged he had an illegitimate child. But if the Chairman thought his woes couldn't get any worse, they did tonight on Raw. The "lost" McMahon is allegedly a WWE Superstar.

Imagine being a billionaire and head of a successful multi-million dollar company, and learning that you have a long-lost daughter or son who works for you. You like some of these Superstars; others you absolutely despise. Imagine looking at the dozens of Raw, SmackDown and ECW Superstars who compete in the ring, night-after-night, and wondering, "Is he my son? Is she my daughter? Could Mickie James be my daughter? Could I have genetically-jackhammered Balls Mahoney? Or could -- gasp -- Eugene or Jimmy Wang Yang be the product of my loins?"

All of these issues weighed heavily on the Chairman through the evening on Raw. Normally calm and full of swagger, McMahon was flustered throughout the night. He repeatedly wiped perspiration off his brow. Mr. McMahon was so desperate to end his nightmare he turned to his ever-faithful Executive Assistant Jonathan Coachman for assurance. The Coach told the Chairman he may be able to figure out which Superstar is his illegitimate child by Saturday Night's Main Event this Saturday.

But if our fans in New York City's historic Madison Square Garden expected to see the Mecca of all mea culpas from sports-entertainment icon, they were out of luck. Though he clearly was still stunned by the paternity suit, Mr. McMahon was as defiant as ever. He conceded having a few "rendezvous" in his lifetime, but insisted he did not know the name of the woman who filed the lawsuit. He scoffed at the notion that the mother of his alleged illegitimate child was trying to make him sweat by not revealing the child's identity, and called the lawsuit nothing but attempted extortion.

"I cannot be intimidated. I cannot be intimidated by the United States Congress, by the media, or by the United States government," McMahon said. "I cannot be intimidated by some woman who should have been on The Pill."

McMahon's bravado was bruised when his daughter Stephanie made a surprise appearance. She scolded her father for making her and their family suffer when he faked his own death in June. But then Stephanie sparked a buzz around The Garden, and among the Superstars surrounding the ring, when she revealed Mr. McMahon's alleged love child was a WWE Superstar. (WATCH)

The Chairman was haunted by his past as Coachman vowed to forego DNA tests and cross-reference the birthdates and ages of those on the WWE roster to find out the identity of the lost McMahon. Mr. McMahon tried to recount his trysts -- his many trysts -- since he was a mere boy. He looked at the Superstars around him, from Boogeyman to even "Nature Boy" Ric Flair and wondered, "Who could it be?"

It appears finding out the identity of McMahon's illegitimate offspring may turn out to be more challenging than he thought. But one thing is certain: the Chairman is in the doghouse. He is curious about the identity of his alleged illegitimate child, but he is not very repentant about his indiscretions. With a wistful smile on his face, Mr. McMahon told Coach at the end of Raw that recounting his flings were like going down memory lane, and he even bragged about an encounter he had with some stewardesses on a plane.

Too bad the Chairman didn't realize his wife Linda was standing behind him. As McMahon stammered, Linda stunned him with one more revelation.

"Uh-uh, don't go there Vince," she said. "As of right now, you don't have a home." (WATCH)

It seems that Mr. McMahon may not only suffer the wrath of a paternity lawsuit, but that of his own family. And what will the paternity lawsuit mean to the Chairman and his empire? Will he find out which Superstar is allegedly his long-lost child at Saturday Night's Main Event? Tune in on Saturday night at 11:30/10:30 CT on NBC and find out.

To read the full results of this Monday's Raw, click HERE.

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