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The Brash Billionaire vs. The Left Leaning Lesbian
WWE Chairman Vince McMahon has never been so proud to present live on Raw the "match" -- Donald Trump vs. Rosie O'Donnell.
"This is the equivalent of Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H, Stone Cold vs. The Rock, Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant," McMahon said.
Using his vast influence, Mr. McMahon contacted both parties last night and both agreed to meet in the ring to settle their issue once and for all. When reached for comment, Trump was characteristically blunt.
"I don't back down from a challenge. Rosie may host The View, but the only "view" she's going to be seeing is me beating her butterball ass."
Miss O'Donnell could not be reached for comment. Sources say she was consulting with her personal physician about possible gastric bypass surgery.
From Hollywood to Wall Street to the Nation's Capital, the scorching hostility between The Donald and the Entertainment Queen will have all eyes on the USA Network tonight. While no one knows who will win, one thing is certain: EVERYONE has an opinion.
Barbara Walters, Rosie's co-host on The View, was adamant in her opinion, saying "I'm 100 percent behind Rosie. Donald Trump claims I can't stand Rosie but nothing can be further from the truth," Walters continued. "Just because she's brash, opinionated, steals the spotlight from the other women on The View, belches without covering her mouth and leaves the toilet seat up… come to think of it, I hope Trump wipes the floor with her. That way maybe he can tell her what I've been dying to - You're Fired!"
Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh was reached for comment, and he stated "I can relate to both Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump. I mean, I'm overweight AND have bad hair. I see this match as a draw."
Kevin Federline, a celebrity who has experience in the squared circle, had another opinion entirely.
"All I know is, I hope Rosie has the decency to wear underwear."
And Paris Hilton had a unique perspective entirely.
"Wrestling? Is that like where the people fight each other? That is sooo barbaric. That's what the dinosaurs did. Dinosaurs are stupid. What was the question again?"
The hype and animosity of this issue has reached unprecedented heights, all the way up to the President of the United States. When reached for comment, President Bush said, "I just hope this match ends definitively and soon. There's nothing worse than a conflict that lasts and lasts with no end in sight and no clear exit strategy."
With the nation's appetite clamoring for resolution, Mr. McMahon's plan to bring these media titans together is being hailed as a promotional stroke of genius.
"THIS is what America is all about," the Chairman of WWE said. "Two out of control egomaniacs beating the holy hell out of each other. It will be brutal, it will be ugly, it might even be disgusting but it will be LIVE Monday Night at 9 p.m. ET on USA's MONDAY NIGHT RAW!"