Rank-a-mania is running wild!

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October 25, 2005


These days, everyone is infatuated with lists and rankings. No matter which medium you turn to, you're liable to find just about any topic being ranked and analyzed by a "crack staff of experts" whose sole job is to tell you what's good. From the BCS to TRL to the 10 Best Dressed, rank-a-mania is running wild everywhere...even right here on WWE.com, thanks to the POWER 25.


If you haven't guessed it already, I'm about to succumb to the phenomenon.

While watching RAW this past week, the segment featuring Mr. McMahon "operating" on Jim Ross struck up a discussion between my colleagues and I. We all agree that the segment was bizarre, and that got us wondering where it stands against some of the other outlandish moments in WWE history. We also agree that Nurse Slobberknockers should be the 2006 Babe of the Year. Man, what I wouldn't give to slobber on her...oh wait, where was I? Oh yeah, bizarre moments. After much consideration, a list was compiled. And now, live from the home office in Stamford, Connecticut, I bring you the Top 3 WWE Moments Involving Something Coming Out Of Someone's Body! Hey, it's a working title. You could just call it the T3WWEMISCOOSB, I suppose.

Before we get to the list, let's do a couple of honorable mentions, shall we? First, we have to mention the entire Kennel From Hell Match between Al Snow and Big Boss Man. You put a large goup of dogs inside a confined space, and you're bound for trouble. And that's what WWE fans got, as the canine contingent very clearly marked their territory on the arena floor. And second, a moment no Englishman can ever forget: the time Chris Jericho urinated in Commissioner William Regal's teapot. These two would've made the list, but compared to what's on there, poop and pee jokes are tame. I also want to give honorable mention to Mr. Socko. Now, while we don't know the true origins of Mr. Socko, we do know that Mick Foley is proud anytime he gets to pull a limp white object out of his pants. Those are his words folks, not mine. Maybe Nurse Slobberknockers can help him out with that.

With honorable mention out of the way, it's time to get on with the list!

Coming in at No. 3: Papa Shango makes the Ultimate Warrior vomit green slime! Straight out of the pages of You Can't Do That on Television, the voodoo man cast a spell on ol' Warrior in 1992, forcing him to spew green slime on an episode of Superstars. Maybe he just ate a bad batch of Barth burgers that day. Although as time goes on, you have to wonder whether it was the voodoo spell that caused the slime, or whether Warrior is just an alien from another world. Regardless, this moment is one I WOULDN'T want to see Matt Striker impersonate.

The runner-up: Mae Young gives birth! Congratulations Mae, it's a...a hand? If you're wondering what I'm talking about, flashback to 1999 with me. Mark Henry, then known to the world as Sexual Chocolate, impregnated the near 80-year-old Mae Young. And in February 2000, the couple welcomed their little bundle of joy into the world. However, instead of a bouncing baby boy or girl, Ms. Young delivered a hand in a moment so beautiful it moved Gerald Brisco to lose his lunch. Apparently, Mae's "offspring" was the brethren of the hand that venerable Dr. heinie and his LOVELY assistant Nurse Slobberknockers found inside of Jim Ross on RAW. Ah, together again at last. MMM, slobberknockers.

And of course, at No. 1...it's Dr. Heinie operating on Jim Ross! Oh come on, did you really think I wouldn't put this at the top? Gotta be topical, baby. I made it clear a few weeks ago that I am a fan of Jim Ross, and even I thought it was hilarious. Well, quite frankly, it was one of the most hysterical things I've ever seen. Was it silly? Sure. Were there a lot of obvious jokes? Of course, but it would've been quite stupid if Dr. Heinie hadn't found Stone Cold, an OU helmet, and other notorious Ross related items. What about finding J.R.'s head up his ass? Sometimes the obvious punchline is the funniest, and the Ross-isms that were dubbed in put it even further over the top. And have I MENTIONED NURSE SLOBBERKNOCKERS?!?!?!?

So there you have it. Unfortunately, I couldn't wrangle up andy D-level celebrities on such short notice to offer their "expert" opinion. But hey, if you've seen any of these moments, mere mention of them is probably enough to...well, it's bound to stir up some emotion. If you'd like to own a piece of Dr. Heinie's historic operation, check out WWE Auction. They've got some of the items up for bidding, including Nurse Slobberknockers' dress and J.R.'s head. There's no telling exactly what some of you will use those items for, but you could probably make a pretty wicked scarecrow with some of that stuff.

And that wraps up another Dee-lightful commentary, which could probably earn honorable mention on this countdown. Hey, you still read it. Right now, I think I'll go seek some medical attention for that. NURSE!

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