Matt Striker's Classroom
(Slapping my ruler on the desk)
Attention Young People...it is time for another lesson - courtesy of your teacher...Matt Striker.
I am glad to see that so many of you have decided to sign on for the "extended school year" program. By attending these lessons you will be ahead of all your friends come test time.
While your so called peers are out rollerblading and enjoying summer activities in their scantily clad outfits, showing off their midriffs and buttocks, sporting mindless tattoos on their lower backs and abhorrent piercing in their mouths and eyebrows...your teacher is conservatively dressed on this late summer day in a short sleeved powder blue dress shirt and a classic canary yellow and navy blue necktie from the exclusive JBL collection (tied in a Windsor knot of course).
See, this is called "imagery": where I paint a mental picture for you to enable you to visualize me (if you need assistance, just grab the issue of GQ Magazine that features a six-page article on your ridiculously handsome and mind-numbingly intelligent teacher).
There is a lot to cover, so let's put on our thinking caps! (please wear your thinking caps in the proper manner - do not turn them backwards or to the side, thank you)
1. I have received so many emails from young minds asking me for advice as well as the names of the original and ground-breaking maneuvers I have been using in the ring to annihilate my opponents. I take it everyone is engaging in the required viewing of HEAT, featured on WWE.com every Friday.
VIEWING NOTE *** This week you can witness me in all of my glorious treachery as I teach Rob Conway a lesson in "opportunity". A little history for you: Robert and I were a tag team. We opposed the bizarre, unpredictable duo of the Highlanders as they debuted on RAW several weeks ago. Unfortunately, Robert's paltry wrestling skills led to our team's failure not once, but TWICE. As I am sure you know, a man of my intellect does not fail anything, let alone twice. So, enjoy the preeminence, the superbness, the superiority that is...Matt Striker...( don't be ashamed to sing along) Yourrrrr Teacher...***
Now onto the mail:
Darren B. from CT writes:
Dear Sir ,
The move you do where you run across the ring and kick your opponent in the face is soo awesome. I wish you would do it to me. What is it called?
Well, Darren, the maneuver you refer to is a variation on a Japanese offensive maneuver that carries many names. Known to many as "washy washy", the boot scrapes you make mention of are called: "BRAIN DAMAGE" and NO ONE has gotten up from them. Look for any WWE Superstar who enters my classroom to suffer. As far as doing them to you...I'd imagine you already have "brain damage".
Alex G. from Los Angeles writes:
Many of my friends pressure me to dress like them and wear my hair in the latest styles. I am ashamed of what my parents might think. Any advice?
Ahh young Alex, first of all NEVER call me "Teach"! Secondly, you are right to see through the insecurity and desperate cry for help from your friends. I firmly believe that the conservative styles work best.
A short, closely cropped hairstyle behooves a young man. Classic slacks and a pressed dress shirt are perfectly acceptable. Mohawks, rock and roll denim trousers and printed shirts are merely the uniform of the insecure, unoriginal slacker.
Take our esteemed President, George W. Bush as an example. He doesn't feel the need to spike his hair or pour himself into tight fitting shirts now does he? Take it from me, if you follow George W's lead, you cannot go wrong in the category of "coolness".
Mateo B. from Tucson, AZ writes:
I have two questions: first - I have seen you do an amazing neck breaker to finish your opponents, and I must say, I have NEVER seen anyone use that hold. What is it called, and how did you come across it ? Secondly, How do I get a girl to like me?
Well, Mateo...you are obviously of Italian descent and I am inclined to write to you in your native tongue ( I speak 9 different languages ), but for the ignoramus' who read this, I will use English - proper English...of course.
The devastating move you are so intrigued by is a Matt Striker original which is why you have not seen it anywhere else. I developed that maneuver in a wrestling gym on Long Island, N.Y., and it is called the GOLDEN RULE.
The effectiveness of the move is threefold. The position of my knee on the back of my opponents neck coupled with my strength that goes into the torque of pulling on his right arm create a neck and spine-jarring impact that is nothing short of perfect.
As far as getting a girl to like you...hmmm...I am not sure how to answer that. I have never had that problem...don't they just come up to you and ask you out for a glass of Chianti? They do that to me all the time!
OK, enough reader mail for now. Remember you can ask your teacher for help at STRIKERSCLASSROOM.
I know I promised to discuss acceptable school supplies, and since school is only a few weeks away from officially opening, I feel it is very important that you know what to bring with you. As I understand it, many of you have yet to get all of your supplies! This is UNACCEPTABLE! You have until next week to have your supplies.
Now for Homework: Your assignment is as follows, and it is due this time next week:
1. Write a three-page, typed essay on your favorite match from SummerSlam and why. You must include: MOST DRAMATIC MOMENT OF THE MATCH and then make a comparison to an event in History.
2. List five reasons why you are looking forward to the release of John Cena's film THE MARINE. ( personally, I hope there is a part in the movie where Cena is made to do push ups in the rain...I know if I were his drill sergeant, I would force him to do that...although I would probably be more like Danny DeVito's character in "Renaissance Man" (and yes, I am taller than DeVito) where I would be required to teach the morons such as Cena).
Your assignments must be done on a computer and PLEASE use spell check. Turn your assignments into the above email address where you will be graded.
ANYONE WHO RECIEVES AN "A" WILL GET AN AUTOGRAPHED MATT STRIKER PHOTO AND NECKTIE !!!!!
As for now, I am going to relax into my leather recliner and read THE ECONOMIST. You, on the other hand have work to do!!
Until then I am Matt Striker...and I am...Your teacher!