The Educational Equinox

Hello young people, it is I, your teacher (say my name with me): MATT STRIKER.

Today is a beautiful day. Who can tell me why? Anyone? Anyone? Well, I will tell you. Today marks the beginning of "The Educational Equinox." As you may or may not know, (I'm wagering on not) normally, an equinox occurs two times each year (on or around March 21 and September 21) when the sun crosses the equator and day and night are everywhere of equal length. It is also the tool used to gauge daylight savings time and the change of the seasons. Still with me? I'll wait a moment for you to catch up... Good.

Your beloved teacher has taken it upon himself in all his wisdom and benevolence to rename the Autumnal Equinox the Educational Equinox. In short, it's time to go back to school!

Don't you remember as a child how nice it was to turn the clocks back? No more long, boring, un-educational summer days filled with playground dwelling delinquents. Or useless summer evenings spent on filthy beaches, listening to rock and or roll music!?!

Remember what it was like to see the sunset at 4 p.m.? More time for homework! The feeling of stepping outside in the early morning and realizing you're going to need a jacket for the day! Ahhh! Good times....good times.

As we move towards this wonderful and prosperous time of year, I feel the need to review what we have learned so far. As experience has dictated, I am aware that many of you have forgotten much of the past year's lessons. Instead, your synapses are clogged with barley, hops and resin (synapses are the pathways in your brain that allow you to formulate thought. Clinical definition: the point at which an impulse passes from one neuron to another). (What would you ever do without me?)

So I have devised a fun, educational game for all of us to play. It is loosely based in the popular game show of the early 21st century called Weakest Link, but seeing how if we truly played that game I'd be here alone, let's play my version called TIME TO THINK!

If you were paying attention to my lessons on WWE.COM you will have no problem answering these questions:

1. What is the only acceptable form of music young minds should entertain themselves with when preparing for a day of learning?

2. What are the only true forms of expression that young people should engage in?

3. How do we define gender roles?

4. What is the proper use of tables and chairs when in a classroom setting?

These questions can be answered by reviewing Matt Striker's classrooms on such topics as creativity, accountability, masculinity, and many more.

Now that we are preparing our minds for another year of learning, let's get ready to focus our bodies and our environment as well. I propose a smart-minds-smart-body program. This is something I do every morning, and if done properly, you too can be closer to your goal of being just like me. It's never too early to start.

Everyone stand up. Arms out to your sides, palms facing the ceiling. Now wiggle your fingers as if you were a member of the beloved Spirit Squad. This exercise will help with your penmanship and calculator skills.

Now, put your shoulders back to ensure good posture. Look forward and move your eyeballs - and only your eyeballs - in a counter clockwise motion. Ahhh, doesn't that feel good? This will maintain your maximum ability to pay attention. Remember tired eyes are wandering eyes.

And finally, press your right arm to your side with your palm facing the rear. Count to three and rapidly raise your arm so that the tips of your fingers are pointed towards the ceiling. This is a great exercise to guarantee that you will be the first one in class to have your hand raised with the correct answer!

(I remember my mother started me on the regimen when I was four years old, and by the time I was in the first grade, I was always the first student to have his hand up whenever my teacher, Miss Joelle, asked a question. I was the most popular student in school. I always finished my test first, and when I would walk back to my seat, I could see students doing the eye exercises that mother showed me. Mother always said, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery).

OK, I suppose that's enough. The communist ACLU (Civil Liberties Un-Americans) say that I shouldn't keep students more than an hour. It's the ACLU that desperately needs to attend my lectures.

Eh eh eh, not so fast. The bell hasn't rung. For next time, I want you to be prepared with a list of back-to-school supplies. We will go over what is necessary and unnecessary in school.

Until then, stay sober, stay straight, stay smart... just like me, your teacher, (say it with me) MATT STRIKER.

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