Off to see the Wizard

Off to see the Wizard

For the millions of fans that have wondered about my well-being, allow me to assure you that YOUR Host of Hosts and YOUR Guiding Light is OK. Thanks for your cards, prayers and your support. And to all the ladies who have sent me pictures of themselves, know that nothing brings a smile to my face like seeing your "headlights" shining ever so brightly, so keep 'em coming!

What happened to me Tuesday night on ECW on Sci Fi was wrong. It was a modern day Rodney King mugging. I have no problem with a man-to-man fight, but it was four ECW Originals on YOUR "Paragon of Virtue." Obviously, they needed an advantage (there's that advantage thing again) because I'm one bad mamma-jamma. What would Al Sharpton have to say about this? What would Maxine Waters say about this? Well trust me, if my expert team of lawyers and myself have our way, the world will hear from the above-mentioned on ECW TV real soon. 

One senator with whom I'm very good friends (and whose name I won't mention because she's about to make presidential history) asked, "why would those old, beaten down, disgusting ECW Originals do something like this to the future of not only ECW, but to this industry as a whole?"

Well, that's easy to answer and it's quite simple. I am to ECW what Barack Obama is to the Nation's Capital: a fresh, new, talented face with a lot to offer whose here to take ECW to another level and that scares the ECW Originals. They're not ready for a changing of the guard, but then again who is? Well, in the case, they have no choice because -- ready or not -- a change is a coming. So either you hop aboard the Elijah Express now or you get left behind.

But really, what scares them so much? Is it my good looks? Is it my athletic and physical prowess? No, of course not (they all know how horrible they look -- and don't get me started on Balls Mahoney). They're all worried about being forgotten. What they should know is that they won't be forgotten because WWE Films has plans for them all to appear in the remake of the classic The Wizard of Oz movie entitled The Hazard of Oz.

Let's examine their roles:

Sandman: The "Drunk Wonder" in need of an AA class that actually works. I suggest Sandman drink a 24-pack and, upon completion, have him dropped in the heart of South Central, L.A. -- Singapore cane and all. That way, we won't ever see him again.

Sabu: "If I only had a brain!" He really needs one too! Why would he constantly hurt himself going through tables for the adulation of fans that are going home at the end of the night pain-free? Big dummy!

Tommy Dreamer: Estrogen-filled man who's in need of a set of balls. Well, actually he has some, they just never dropped.

And speaking of Balls (Mahoney that is), as of press time, WWE Films has been unable to determine exactly what type of creature he is, and therefore he has not been cast. But to all of Balls' fans, don't worry; I was informed that had he been cast, he would have played the part of ToTo because he reeks of dog poop!

Editor's note: Don't agree with me? Send me your questions, comments and concerns to YOUR "Paragon of Virtue" will respond in this column next week!

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