Big love finale and TMNT talk
In last week's Elijah Experience, the New Breed Superstar described a most unfavorable love triangle. When we last left Elijah, he and his damsel were being hunted by an angry mastodon named Monique. Refresh your memory by reading last week's Experience.
"Quick, Joyce! Into the ladies restroom," I said. But it was too late. It was Monique and she was gonna catch Joyce and myself red-handed (this wasn't looking good for the home team). Joyce made it into the restroom just as Monique came stomping around the corner. With sweat forming on her mustache she screamed, "Where she at? I know she's back here! I knew something was going on!" Monique shouted, tightening her eyes and reciting what she said would happen if she caught Joyce and I together.
Monique then proceeded to chase me around the store while throwing anything she could get her hand on at me. I'm screaming in fear and laughing at the same time. This was too much. If you could have just seen the determination in Monique's face as she chased me with those lil' beady eyes and lips all balled up. Monique couldn't wait to get her hands on me (double meaning), but if it didn't happen up until that point, then it sure as heck wasn't gonna happen this night.
I kind of felt bad because on the final lap, I noticed Monique wasn't behind me anymore. I thought she was playing a dastardly game of hide and seek now, but as I peeked around the corner I saw this poor, wet soul drenched in sweat and holding her chest. I don't know if it was because of a broken heart or the fact that she had given out of breath after chasing me around an aisle for 30 seconds. (I mean, even then YOUR Host of Hosts and YOUR Guiding Light was a physical specimen.) But as it turned out, it was obviously both. I couldn't bear to see her bent over clutching her chest, panting and sweating a river. I was dying of laughter. I seriously thought I would have to go to the hospital from laughing so hard. I eventually ended up panting, sweating and clutching my chest.
As Monique finally regained her composure, I asked her if she was okay. She stood up straight, wiped the sweat from her brow but not her mustache (that really bothered me the most), and she told me she was OK. After she then told me not to worry about it, Monique threw her hands up at me and then walked away.
I kind of felt bad. It was like some unceremonious divorce. She wanted YOUR Guiding Light to shine his light on her, but it would only add to the obvious if I did. I mean, put it like this: she was the female version of Balls Mahoney! Now, that's bad!!!!
Joyce, whose last days were near an end at the store because she was heading off to college, found it all entertaining and looked forward to finishing what we started. Needless to say she was given an Elijah Experience that culminated at the RED ROOF INN! Yeah Baby! (I think my brother Calvin deserves a shout out for that one.)
Memories. I love my memories, especially when they are good ones. So could someone please tell me why in the world are they remaking the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? I mean, for crying out loud. I'm all for remakes, but if you remake something, it should definitely blow the older versions out of the water. In many cases, most remakes fail (i.e. Bewitched, Jason X, Superman Returns…again and again and again, etc.). I've seen a special screening of new TMNT movie, and let me tell you that those four green turds would be better off left in the sewer. Their legacy is already set, and bringing them back to the big screen is a big mistake that will hurt their reputation…much like the ECW Originals.
It's funny how much the ECW Originals have in common with the TMNT. For instance, the ECW Originals may not be green (well, not all of them), but I'm sure we can all agree that they are each some sort of turd. Look how it takes four TNMT to defeat the mighty Shredder, much like it took four ECW Originals to come out and take down YOUR Guiding Light. Often times, the TMNT have a little help from a rat named Splinter. The Originals, well, they often receive help from someone who looks like a rat named Balls.
The ECW Originals could learn a lot from reading this very column (if they could read), because then they would find out why being in my ring at this stage of their careers is not good for them. Let's face it, these guys laid the groundwork for ECW with their own blood, sweat and tears; that can't be denied. But now, it's time for the ECW Originals to step aside and let your Paragon of Virtue ascend to the top… along with the New Breed, of course. If the ECW Originals aren't going to step aside, then I guess the New Breed will make them do so by force -- on the "Biggest Stage of Them All," WrestleMania 23!
Questions, Comments or Concerns? E-mail your Paragon of Virtue at ECWHOH@yahoo.com and I will respond to your e-mails publicly, Face 2 Face in this very column.