A really big love 'experience'
Today, I would like to start off by paying tribute to a legend in this industry that recently left us for the big ring up in the sky, Bad News Brown.
I remember watching Bad News Brown while growing up and how unbelievable/believable this guy was from the moment he walked through the curtain. When he made his way to the ring, you believed he was bad. His walk, his talk and the look on his face told the story. His feud with WWE Hall of Famer "Rowdy" Roddy Piper will always be remembered as one of the most hottest and controversial feuds ever.
For a while, as a younger kid, I thought that Bad News Brown and I were somehow related. I don't know what it was, but while in elementary school, I would often hear teachers use the word "bad" in association with my name. When I got to middle school I noticed that it went from "bad" to just "bad news." I don't know if choking out a kid (who wasn't African-American) for drinking chocolate milk had anything to do with it, or the fact that I once kicked a kid in the ankle for refusing to give up his chocolate milk (who just happened to be in a wheel chair) had anything to do with it. But nevertheless, by freshman year, as far as the teachers were concerned, I was simply known as "Bad News" Burke.
I don't know if Allen Coage was anything thing like Bad News Brown, but if he was, St. Peter might not wanna question him when he arrives at the pearly gates. I just don't think that'll be wise.
All this talk about my younger years reminds me of my recent therapy session. I went to therapy for 102 minutes as I sat in IMAX and watched the movie Norbit. This movie was ridiculously funny and therapeutic. It really helped me release pressure and understand the drama that I went through when I was 14-years-old, working my very first job. For some reason when I was younger, the big girls and older women always had a thing for YOUR Guiding Light. There were two in particular that worked with me who were 18-years-old and just happened to be cousins. One was a thick girl; light-skinned, brunette, quiet, very lady-like with a curvy shape and two headlights that beamed very brightly. Her name was Joyce.
The other girl, who was Joyce's cousin, was Monique. She was just the opposite. Monique was thick, dark-skinned, with short hair, rotund, no curves, Volkswagen-like headlights and a noticeable mustache. Joyce and Monique were both cashiers and I was a stocker. Monique was open about her crush on me while Joyce played it cool. Joyce and I would often talk and eventually starting taking lunch breaks together. Something about her shyness really started to tug away at YOUR Host of Hosts.
Monique, well, we would talk or better yet, she would talk at me in front of everyone in the store. She was just like Rasputia (the female character that bullies Norbit in the movie). Monique thought that being loud and obnoxious would gain my attention. It did, just in the wrong way and besides that, every time Monique opened her mouth, I would just stare at that god-awful mustache!
I was starting to become very weary of Monique because this girl was turning into a stalker. Monique was on to Joyce and I and knew that something was going on. If Joyce wasn't on the cash register, Monique would take a restroom break just to come check on me to see what I was doing and to see if Joyce and I were together. The look in her eyes alone started to scare me. Monique claimed she knew something was going on and would often threaten me about what she would do if she caught Joyce and I together. Mind you though, I wasn't with Monique. We were just co-workers but that didn't stop her from thinking other wise. She was really losing it.
Joyce, on the other hand, was enjoying getting a chance to "Experience" Elijah (what woman wouldn't?). After that first kiss that we shared in the break room while feeding each other ice cream, it seemed as if we could not keep our hands off of each other. Each night as the store would close, Joyce would be the first cashier to finish counting her money so that she could come to the restroom area to be with me. The restroom area was the best place to meet; just in case someone was coming we could both disappear.
So here we are on this particular night, kissing and caressing one another when all of a sudden the floor starts to shake. The lights flickered. Items fell from the shelves. "Is it an earthquake?" I thought. "What the heck?! That can't be. This is Jacksonville, Fla.!"
Then it hit me. "Oh my God! Monique's coming!"
Questions, Comments or Concerns? E-mail your Paragon of Virtue at ECWHOH@yahoo.com and I will respond to your e-mails publicly, Face 2 Face in this very column.