J.R.'s Superstar of the Week - Hornswoggle
Greetings from under the black, 200X Resistol hat from Norman, Okla., home of J.R.'s Family Bar-B-Q Restaurant, where a large group of our fans will watch WWE Unforgiven this Sunday night on pay-per-view.
After meeting at their usual watering hole on the outskirts of Parts Unknown, our royal panel this week consisting of Jerry "The King" Lawler, King Kong Bundy, Angelo "King Kong" Mosca, "The King of Wrestling" Harley Race, Sonny King, Rex King, Moondog King, The King of Kings, the Sacramento Kings, the Kings of Comedy, and King Sgt. Preston of the Yukon's trusty husky, this week's Raw Superstar of the Week was a unanimous and easy choice. This week's winner of delicious J.R.'s barbecue products from www.jrsbarbq.com is … Hornswoggle McMahon!
Man, the first segment of Monday Night Raw started off like Sycophant City with seemingly everyone coming out of the woodwork to claim that they were the illegitimate son of Mr. McMahon and to then essentially join the ranks of the newly rich and soon-to-be famous. Hell, they could've made the TMZ Web site before you knew it!
I certainly hope that this is the only child that Mr. McMahon has sired out of wedlock, or he could be put in the same class as P. Diddy, or Diddy, or whatever Diddy is called these days. Poor Diddy seemingly is being accused of essentially being the "father of our country," with his many youngsters who live with their "babymamas." Indeed, Mr. McMahon could be, as mentioned before, the "Secretariat of his species".
London & Kendrick, which sounds like a legal team retained to defend the alleged cheater New England Pats Coach Bill Belichick (shame on you, Mr. Sharp Dressed Man), had a cup of coffee with the World Tag Team Championships in South Africa before losing the titles back to Cade & Murdoch (last names are "cooler" than full names, you know) the night before leaving Gary Player's home country (he's a golfing legend, kids). The rubber match is this Sunday in Memphis, Tenn., at Unforgiven. It should be a heck of a bout between two young and talented teams with totally different styles.
Carlito, who is cooler than the other side of the pillow, must have "convinced" Acting Raw GM Jonathan Coachman by some unique means to allow him to select Triple H's opponent Monday night in Green Bay, Wisc. That makes little sense to me, but neither does New York Jet fans booing their starting quarterback Chad Pennington after he got injured. Nonetheless, the newly golden-haired, former Golden Gopher Shelton Benjamin was the selection. The athletically-gifted Benjamin came close, but there was no cigar, as The Game won another match to prime the pump for his one-on-one matchup with Carlito this Sunday. I won't even go into the stipulations on that one, as having a one-sided No Disqualification Match defies logic. Thanks, Coach.
Randy Orton made his thoughts known to all mid-ring Monday night about his selfish and unforgivable actions toward Mr. Cena, John's father, a few weeks ago in Boston, which still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The Orton vs. Cena match may well see the dream come true for all Cena-haters because I feel it will be extremely hard for an enraged Champ to stay focused and wrestle Orton. Cena is lucky that disqualifications don't count the same as pinfalls in this upcoming WWE Championship defense.
Nonetheless, Cena's words to Mr. McMahon as he was being tossed out of the arena by security Monday night were as memorable as anything that has been said on Monday Night Raw in recent memory.
It seems that WWE has its own version of Rosie O'Donnell on its hands in the form of the "Glamazon" (which is right out of The Devil Wears Prada) Beth Phoenix. That means that lovely former Playboy cover girl Candice Michelle could be akin to poor Barbara Walters, who has undergone a verbal assault lately by full-figured Rosie. Not that there is anything wrong with being full-figured, mind you. Candice retaining her Women's Championship at Unforgiven is about as likely as Jenna Jameson becoming a plus-sized model.
Ron Simmons is smiling less than Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis these days after being blindsided by Santino Marella, who for some reason is still seeing lovely Maria. That, my friends, I don't get … the seeing Maria part, that is. DAMN!
I am somewhat shocked that Britney Spears did not enter the 2007 WWE Diva Search Contest. Don't forget to cast your ballot on WWE.com, as it seems that Brit needs a career boost. Winning the Diva Search might do the trick for the trailer park cutie, who seems to have been eating her share of fried foods lately.
Jeff Hardy was overmatched Monday night against the freak ‘o nature, the 7-foot-3-inch, 420-pound Great Khali (a handsome man, nonetheless) in a match that the poor "Rainbow-haired Warrior" never expected. Khali is a prime example that size does matter (no jokes, please), as the giant of a man hurts people with his simplistic, bowling shoe ugly offense and will be hard to dethrone come Sunday night in Memphis.
Hornswoggle McMahon. Has a ring to it, doesn't it? I can see it now. Little three-piece suits like his dad used to wear on WWE Superstars back in the day. Hornswoggle's own booster seat aboard Mr. McMahon's sleek, black corporate jet. Hornswoggle getting his hair cut in New York City with his pops. A manicure and a facial, too, for the newest McMahon will be in order. Plus the Little Bastard will have more money than, well, the tardy but newly rich JaMarcus Russell of the Oakland Raiders. More than likely, Hornswoggle will throw as many touchdown passes this year as Russell, but who is counting when the money is so much more important than the game, right?
Yes indeed, the genius of Mr. McMahon created WWE for the entire world to enjoy, and the Boss' grapefruits created Hornswoggle McMahon. Who would have thunk it?!
Be well everybody, and I hope to see you this Sunday in Memphis and Monday night in Nashville, Tenn.
Be sure to check out J.R.'s Family Bar-B-Q Restaurant at www.jrsbarbq.com.