J.R.'s Superstar of the Week - Beth Phoenix
Greetings from under the 200X, black Resistol hat from soggy Oklahoma where the barbecue at J.R.'s is smoking, pigskins are in the air, and the Biggest Party of the Summer, SummerSlam, is just days away.
It was an interesting trip to North Carolina last week for yours truly. On the way to Fayetteville from Raleigh, my rental car overheated just a few minutes after the air conditioning went limber tail on me -- on a day where temperatures were more than 100 degrees. So, about 30 miles east of the Raleigh-Durham International Airport, I had to turn around and go back to the rental car place at the airport. When I got there, I had to get back in a nice, long rental car line and trade my rental car in for another one -- one with AC and no check engine light on. From there, I restarted my 80-mile or so journey back to Fayetteville. Because I was running late, I missed getting to have lunch at the famous BBQ Shack in Fayetteville, which came highly recommended by native North Carolinian, current Oklahoma University offensive coordinator and my neighbor, Kevin Wilson. I withstood the rental car woes OK, but missing my visit to Fayetteville, North Carolina's famous BBQ Shack just wasn't fair.
I'm through whining now.
This week's guest panel, after convening in their secret location in "Parts Unknown" and lunching, we hear, near the Isle of Malta, have selected the Raw Superstar of the Week. The esteemed members of the panel include: Ricky Steamboat, Ricky Starr, Ricky Morton, Ricky Nelson, Ricki Lake, Ricky Williams ("Wow, dude, I made the panel"), Ricky Ricardo, Ricky Santana, and Ricky the flatulence-laden pet coon and I have selected WWE Diva and Raw's only "Glamazon," Beth Phoenix as the Superstar of the week.
What, did you think Booker T or Sharmell would win the award? More on those two later.
Mr. McMahon joins several pro athletes with similar experiences in finding out that he has an illegitimate son, and the mother of said male is filing a lawsuit. Said son is reported to be a resident WWE Superstar, but on which roster? Inquiring minds want to know. In the meantime, Mr. McMahon is living at the Four Seasons Hotel in New York City, if you would like to drop by sometime and say "howdy" or call his room on the house phone. The Chairman loves talking to his fans, plus he's got a birthday coming up soon.
Speaking of children born out of wedlock, our congrats to New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and his "baby mama" on the birth of their son. Mr. Brady and Mr. McMahon apparently have many things in common, including having experienced amazing professional successes, earning lots of "mon-ay," and each having sired a son born out of wedlock. These men are the Secretariat of their species.
This just in … rapper Foxy Brown is pregnant and STILL going to jail for a probation violation. Surely, Mr. McMahon couldn't be the father of Foxy's bundle of joy, could he? Wait a minute … a pregnant rapper goes to the slammer, so what does that mean for man's best friend, Michael Vick? Uh, oh …
Handsome Randy Orton verbally put himself in the WWE Hall of Fame AND won the WWE Championship Monday night on Raw, in case you haven't heard. Orton's oratories are quite enlightening.
Big Diva Battle Royal at SummerSlam this Sunday, with the winner slated to wrestle Candice Michelle for the Women's Championship some time in the future. That's the word from Sir William Regal, who is not the Earl of Sandwich, but is the General Manager of Raw, and is sporting quite the head of hair these days.
Beth Phoenix dominated the Diva tag match on Raw, if you were keeping score at the house, and used her extraordinary strength to show that Phoenix is a hot property. (Get it? "Phoenix" … Arizona … summer … hot weather … never mind.) And remember she is NOT a "Glamzilla." She is a "Glamazon," dammit.
Santino Marella is one entertaining lad. That's "a-nice," but when will we see him "a-wrestle"? Santino is actually pretty athletic, and, no, I haven't forgotten that he is a former Intercontinental Champion. "SHAM!" or so I heard.
Say, did you hear that I got some tickets for a friend of mine for Raw in Boston? His name is SAM! My thanks to Ron Simmons for that creative inspiration, and now back to our regularly scheduled column.
Cody Rhodes is on a nice roll. I saw Cody's dad eat a large cinnamon roll once in less than three bites, not that there is anything wrong with that. I think I was with the "Dream" on that occasion. Cody is a bright, shining star on Monday Night Raw, which means he will probably be traded to SmackDown within hours.
Hey, Shelton Benjamin, I have said many times on live, worldwide TV that I think you are the best "pure athlete" in WWE. I still feel that way, but your in-ring results lately are making me resemble an allegedly inebriated Bill Murray driving a golf cart on Swedish streets (that actually happened this week). I suggest you watch Gridiron Gang, and see if that helps. If watching Gridiron Gang alone doesn't flip your switch, watch Remember the Titans right after it, and if that doesn't help, the only thing I can say is, "Houston, we have a problem."
Did you realize that there are some truly evolving tag teams on Raw? Cade & Murdoch are at the top of the heap, but Cryme Tyme is closing the gap. Don't count-out the Self-Proclaimed World's Greatest Tag Team (no, not the Brisco Brothers. I can only wish), Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin along with Paul London & Brian Kendrick, or is it Kendrick & London? Nonetheless, it is nice to see some tag team activity on Monday nights.
Booker, Booker, Booker. Come on, dawg. What you did to old J.R. Monday night was cold, man. Just plain cold, bro. It was colder than the amazing, shrinking woman Star Jones' true feelings about the ladies on The View. Ms. Jones walked away from her View issues, but you, "King" Booker, my good man, will be unable to do that Sunday at SummerSlam when you face the returning Triple H. The Game has been out of action since January, and I would suggest to the royal pain in the arse from Houston that The King of Kings will take out ample frustration on the talented, albeit loutish, Booker before a worldwide pay-per-view audience. At least I hope so.
What a smart move by Carlito, getting a large human who doesn't speak to come on his talk show, Carlito's Cabana. Was Teller of Penn &Teller fame not available? Booking Umaga to do a talk show was about as smart as Britney Spears turning down the chance to record a song with Justin Timberlake recently. Not a sound strategic move, young lady. There is a "woodshed" line here, but I will pass on it or save it for www.jrsbarbq.com.
Carlito and Mr. Kennedy had a hard-hitting matchup Monday night, but the ending of the match was kind of like kissing one's sister, or so I hear, as I am an only child. Double pins are frustrating, sort of like a tie ball game, but so it goes. The trio of Umaga, Kennedy and Carlito will tussle for the Intercontinental Championship on Sunday. I see a malfunction at the junction on the horizon for this title contest, which is scheduled for one fall.
Snitsky is in the "pin-free zone" and not with "Bill oh-so-wily" on Raw. That's right; the large gentleman with the Earth-tone teeth has yet to be pinned for a three-count on Raw. Snitsky's matches may be bowling shoe ugly, but the 300-pounder is definitely physical. Just ask WWE Champion John Cena.
And then there is young Randall Orton, back for his curtain call and for his close-up, Mr. DeMille. RKO is a dirty, harmful three-letter word that may lead the "world's most beautiful man" straight to the WWE Championship come Sunday at SummerSlam. Without fail, Orton has the skills to beat John Cena. John Cena is damaged goods going into the championship match. Too many RKOs in too few of days for Cena in the opinion of many. Time will tell. That's why WWE is promoting the match, to find out who the better man is, and to give some pauses for celebration if Cena goes down, especially for Master Orton and Mr. McMahon.
It is indeed going to be a great few days in the northeast this weekend, as I will be in Union, N.J., at Amazing Heroes on Saturday night, then a quick stop at the Bada Bing (OK, so I miss The Sopranos!), Sunday's Summerslam at the Meadowlands, and then on to Boston for Monday Night Raw in Beantown. There is nothing quite like a relaxing, leisurely Monday morning drive across the George Washington Bridge onto I-95 and north toward Boston, where I am sure that the road construction has ended by now. Hasn't it?
This is a tri-branded pay-per-view, so that means that all the announce teams will be present. Rumor on the mean streets of Stamford, Conn., has it that ECW's Joey Styles will be wearing "Extreme Swimwear" for the Biggest Party of the Summer, but that's just one of those "rasslin' rumors." And we all know how ridiculous those can be, especially when it comes to announcers. My longtime Hall of Fame broadcast partner, Jerry "The King" Lawler will be returning Sunday for SummerSlam. Nonetheless, I did enjoy broadcasting with Tazz in the injured King's absence Monday night and appreciate Tazz for lending Raw a hand.