J.R.'s Superstar of the Week - Shawn Michaels
Greetings from under the 200X black Resistol hat from an unseasonably frigid Norman, Okla. I’m hoping the pending snow storm doesn’t create more travel problems for yours truly as we prepare to head down to Lafayette, La. for Monday Night Raw.
There are several candidates this week for the coveted and much anticipated Raw Superstar of the Week Award, but I have enlisted a crack staff to assist in the selection process, including the vertically challenged Sleazy and Cheesy, Mantaur, Michael Vick, and Bastion Booger.
John Cena, who will face Umaga at the Royal Rumble in a Last Man Standing Match...by the way, has there ever been a Last Woman Standing Match or A Last Transgender Standing Match? I digress…but imagine that. Back to Cena, John was a viable candidate for this week’s award due to him signing a contract without reading it, assaulting a large, angry Samoan and then FUing Estrada through a very expensive contract signing table. I assume that table will be signed and auctioned off in the future, perhaps just in time for the holidays. Unfortunately, no award this week for the WWE Champion, but Cena does deserve a hearty “Atta Boy.”
In the Mixed Tag Team Match, Jeff Hardy went the high risk route AGAIN, and it paid off with a victory. Plus, when you add to the equation that Maria did not get maimed in the process of wrestling, this duo was also in contention for the weekly award, but alas, no “cee-gar” this week. By the way, when do you think the Raw referees will learn the rules of a Mixed Tag Team Match? For example, if Nitro tags in Melina, then Jeff Hardy doesn’t have to tag Maria as Maria is legally able to enter the ring and compete. Again, kids, it’s the boys wrestling the boys and the girls wrestling the girls. Got it?
Ric Flair outsmarted Kenny “Don’t call me Lenny” Dykstra Monday night. This might not be Flair’s most acclaimed accomplishment, but sources do tell me that Kenny knows how to download to his iPod, which still is WAY beyond yours truly. By the way, is there a market for 8-tracks out there anywhere? I really think Kenny is going to be a big star sooner than later, but Kenny might want to lose the headband. Then again, I still have some double knit slacks in my closet.
Todd Grisham’s new haircut also drew consideration for our weekly honor, but Sleazy thought it made Todd resemble an interior decorator….not that there is anything wrong with interior decorators. My wife seems to have a decorator on our payroll full-time for our never ending remodeling project.
Mr. McMahon had a perfect opportunity to reprise Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech, but the Battling Billionaire didn’t go there Monday night. The Boss had plenty of bass in his voice Monday night but there is no truth to the rumor he gargled with Drano just prior to coming to the ring. It certainly seems that Mr. McMahon has “issues” with The Donald for some reason yet to be established. I’m hoping for a Hair vs. Hair Match myself, but I also just got back from Happy Hour so take that into consideration. Will McMahon ever step into the ring with The Donald? I’m staying tuned if he does.
I will say that Torrie Wilson makes one hell of a faux Miss USA, as I have never seen a sash look so appealing. I drove back to Norman from Bossier City after Raw and thinking of Torrie being a “bad girl” helped keep me, uh, alert. Hey, I may be a grizzled veteran but I’m not dead!
Carlito, Carlito, Carlito. Our folks bought you books, sent you to school, conditioned your hair and helped you develop a love for apples and what do you do? You go to “this very ring” and you tell the Boss that he isn’t cool. Then, a really large man from India comes out and lights you up as if you had curry poured into your Fruit of the Looms. What were you thinking? Carlito is either now on the Chairman’s “poop” list (and trust me, that’s not a good list to be on) or Carlito has a 7 foot, 3 inch problem to solve. Carlito, stick with the busty blondes and leave the freak of nature and The Great Khali alone.
Mickie James was her bubbly self Monday night and defeated Midol’s favorite Diva Victoria, but for some reason I don’t think this issue has concluded. But then again, I am rarely right when it comes to predicting the behavior of women. “The King” would be profoundly more qualified to address this matter than I.
Did you know that the Royal Rumble Match happens only once a year and this year’s is the most star-studded Rumble Match ever? If you forget this info, we will remind you again Monday night from the land of gumbo and most everything fried.
This just in from the home office: Chris Masters’ Master Lock still has yet to be officially broken, and Ron Simmons apparently accomplishing the feat has been stricken from the record book. Masters has applied for MENSA membership, but the MENSA folks said they would get back to the young powerhouse.
Yo, yo, yo dawg. That’s my shout out to Cryme Tyme. We’re tight. Rumor has it that Cryme Tyme may be in the late James Brown’s will.
From where I was sitting Monday night, it seemed as if we witnessed a miracle when HBK was able to fend off Rated-RKO in the Handicap Match. Because of Shawn Michaels’ extraordinary and shocking performance against the bug-eyed and perhaps psychotic Edge and Randy “I Love Myself and My Mirrors” Orton, The Showstopper is this week’s Raw Superstar of the Week. Shawn may even be one of the favorites to win the Royal Rumble Match (it happens only once a year you know), that is, IF HBK makes it to his hometown for the most star studded Rumble ever. Shawn Michaels making it out of Lafayette in one piece is about as likely to happen as old J.R. stopping eating BBQ. “Highly Unlikely,” as the beloved Gorilla Monsoon used to say.
See you Monday night from the Cajun Dome!