Stone Cold Lock
At Taboo Tuesday, the fate of Jonathan Coachman lies in our hands, as he will face Stone Cold in the fans' choice of a Verbal Debate, Arm Wrestling Contest or Street Fight. Seriously, is there anyone out there who ISN'T voting for a Street Fight? Everyone wants to see Coach get his ass kicked. Honestly though, it doesn't matter which stipulation is chosen, because to quote Mr. McMahon's theme, Coach has "no chance in hell" of winning. He's toast. Everyone I know voted for a Street Fight, just because it will be fun to watch, but again, this could be any kind of match and Coach would stand no chance.
In my last rant, I gave you a Top 3 list; rank-a-mania is still running wild in my world, so it's time for another Louie Dee list of three. You want reasons why Stone Cold will obliterate Coach? No problem.
Reason No. 1: Stone Cold's a wrestler, and Coach isn't. You'd think that'd be fairly obvious, no? If it's a debate, well, it doesn't matter that Coach is the voice of RAW; Stone Cold's verbal abilities are some of the best in the business, while Coach is one of the best at talking a lot yet saying very little. As for arm wrestling, well, the only weight lifting I've ever seen Coach do is a 40 ounce curl, if you catch my drift. He probably couldn't even take Grisham in an arm wrestling match, so I think that's out. That leaves the Street Fight, and if I have to explain to you why a wrestler would beat an announcer in a Street Fight, then you should probably hit that little X in the upper right corner of your screen because you're on the wrong Web site. It would be like watching Barry Bonds in a Home Run Derby against Bob Uecker...although come to think of it, I like watching Balco Barry hit them out, almost as much as I'd love to watch Austin kick Coach's ass.
Reason No. 2: Motivation. If Austin wins at Taboo Tuesday, Jim Ross gets his job back; but if Austin loses, he gets fired as well. Gee, do you THINK Austin is going to give it everything he's got? This is the guy who won the Intercontinental Championship in 1997 after he was almost paralyzed earlier in the match; Coach would have to kill him to keep him from winning this match, and helping his best friend get his job back is merely icing on the cake. Sure, a biased judge, a slippery podium, or tons of outside interference could help Coach win any of these matches…but if you need visual proof of what Stone Cold has fought through in the past, watch his pay-per-view match with Mick Foley from May 1998. One extra piece of motivation: if the match is a Street Fight, it will be Stone Cold's first in-ring competition since WrestleMania XIX in 2003. His last match was two-and-a-half years ago against The Rock at the biggest show of the year; do you really think he wants to end his career by losing to Coach?
Reason No. 3: Stone Cold HATES the McMahons. Since the first time he gave Mr. McMahon a Stone Cold Stunner in 1997, Steve-o has made a living out of outsmarting, pissing off, and causing trouble for the entire McMahon family. Beating a suck-up like Coach and forcing them to bring back J.R. would pretty much cover all three of those bases in one fell swoop. In fact, I think he's already outsmarted the McMahons by having J.R.'s employment status on the line. And if he needed extra motivation, he can go back and watch Dr. Heinie's "operation" on RAW again. Believe me, if there's one person in the world who doesn't find that funny, his name is Steve and he lives in Texas. With every Stunner poor Coach receives, you know that in his mind, Austin will be pretending it's a member of the McMahon family. If Coach is lucky, he won't get one for Dr. Heinie and Nurse Slobberknockers, too. BOO-YAH!
I think that about covers it. Still, there are some (like that Keith Scully guy) who think that Coach not only stands a chance, but can actually WIN THE MATCH. In the words of Stone Cold himself: EH EH! Not gonna happen. Keith Scully also still believes in the tooth fairy and the Curse of the Bambino, so obviously he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
In closing, I have one last piece of advice for you, Coach. Enjoy listening to yourself as the voice of RAW while you can, because after Taboo Tuesday, the only thing you'll be hearing every week is the Oklahoma University fight song. Why? Well, I'm in a giving mood, so here's special bonus reason No. 4: Stone Cold is the toughest S.O.B. to ever set foot in WWE. And that's the bottom line, because Louie Dee said so.