Which WWE Superstar could be RoboCop?
Part man, part machine, there ain’t anybody who can protect and serve like RoboCop. With the morals of a human and the precision of a machine, he’s the best of both worlds, and the last person you’d want standing opposite you in a fight. Sadly, the technology for a real-life RoboCop is still a few years away. That said, if you were to speed up the clock and scout for prospects to take up the famous visor, there are more than a few WWE Superstars who’d be ideal candidates to become the future of law enforcement. Here are eight ring warriors that WWE.com would select for the job, presented by "RoboCop," in theaters Feb. 12. Thank you for your cooperation.
When Ryback first stomped onto the scene, he drew comparisons to The Terminator, but that’s hardly the only man-machine hybrid The Human Wrecking Ball reminds us of. This monstrous competitor has used his unlimited energy to decimate anyone that stands in his path, from newcomers to ring veterans. Give him a badge, and he could provide law and order just as easily as unmitigated destruction. Plus, “The Big Guy’s” mastery of the Internet only reaffirms his status as a true Superstar of the next generation. Feed him more.
Forget the fact that the self-styled Hounds of Justice wrestle all their matches in riot gear, or that Dean Ambrose seems like the kind of skeezy, crooked detective who stumbled fully-formed out of an Elmore Leonard novel (for the record, Seth Rollins is the loose-cannon beat cop, and Roman Reigns is the terrifying rookie). This trio’s MO from day one has been “justice,” which they have dispensed in uncompromising, brutal and — yes — machine-like fashion. They’re already the collective future of WWE. Why not the future of the law as well?
In the line of duty, a police officer must command respect above all things, and few WWE Superstars have carried more weight in the locker room than The Demon from Death Valley himself. So, if there was any Superstar to take up an alternate career as a lawman, the conversation has to begin and end with The Undertaker. Not only is he an old school competitor in every sense of the word, but backstage tales of his presence and guidance are legend among WWE Superstars and Hall of Famers alike. Plus, he keeps coming back every year for an epic WrestleMania showdown. Sounds a bit like a machine to us.
Chances are, to be any kind of police, you need discipline. In WWE history, no Superstar has embodied that quality more than WWE Hall of Famer Sgt. Slaughter. A brutal brawler and genuine former drill sergeant, Sarge’s dreaded Cobra Clutch would wipe the smile off any puke’s face in about five seconds. He was even WWE Commissioner for a brief period, so the WWE Universe knows that keeping the peace in a more traditional sense isn’t beyond his capabilities.
As WWE’s Director of Operations, The Big Red Monster is essentially an enforcer. Even before he got his suit-and-tie game on, the former World Champion was the kind of Superstar whose presence commanded both attention and fear. In his early days, The Devil’s Favorite Demon was a voiceless, faceless instrument of destruction; gradually shedding his mask and Bicing his head did nothing to diminish his bestial proclivities in the ring. And yes, we know, he did hug it out for a while with Daniel Bryan. Look at it this way, though – even RoboCop isn’t all machine. There’s a little human in there, too.
The Real Americans
The United States would not be what it is today without a solid judicial system. Jack Swagger & Antonio Cesaro already see themselves as protectors of the nation — albeit from illegal immigrants, but hey, even RoboCop gets reprogrammed — so this choice is too obvious to ignore. Apart from their political agenda, Swagger’s fighting skills and Cesaro’s legendary strength make them near-unstoppable a two-man team that’s unlike anything in WWE today. Focused, precise and equipped with a clear directive, these two would be perfect candidates to take up the RoboCop mantle. Plus, the WWE Universe knows RoboZeb would make some really great signs.
You can’t have a list of potential police officers and omit The Enforcer. Not only does Arn have a spot in WWE’s hallowed Hall of Fame, but the burly Superstar provided the heavy hitting of the famous Four Horsemen crew. “Double A” complemented Ric Flair’s opulence and Tully Blanchard’s quickness, while popularizing the spinebuster as a finishing maneuver before Superstars like Batista adopted it for their own use. So, to recap: Hits hard, protects people of interest, is called “The Enforcer” … sounds like a policeman to us.
Big E Langston
RoboCop doesn’t just pack a mean punch; he also has a pretty decent sense of humor when the mood strikes him. Similarly, while the reigning Intercontinental Champion can — and does — attack his opponents with the force of a freight train, his Twitter and Instagram are among the funniest in the WWE locker room. We say throw the badge on Big E and send him to work. Nothing like beating down bad guys with a smile on your face.