The Continental Classroom - Day 3
Welcome my children, to another beautiful day where you, the fans, get to better yourselves simply by knowing me...Matt Striker...( wait for it...) yourrr teacher. Good.
Now, today's lesson is titled: Stretched in Sydney...see, the term "stretch" means to twist and contort your opponent into submissive positions using various wrestling holds and techniques. At times, one's foot can be touching one's nose - thus the term to "stretch." The Sydney part is ...well...we are in Sydney, Australia (sometimes things really are THAT simple).
As I pen these lessons, I realize that many of you do not even know the history of Australia! Well, fret not - that is why I am here - to educate you.
As we learned in yesterday's lesson, Australia was colonized by whom? Anyone? Anyone? The answer is Britain. Now, who can tell me the reason for the colonization? Anyone? Anyone? (rolling my eyes in disgust at your lack of knowledge)
Well, outside of the obvious need for a port to trade with Asia, Britain used the island of Australia as a place to house the most violent and insolent convicts in England. Come to think of it , that makes every descendant of a native Australian a direct relative of a criminal!
Let us examine some famous Australians and see if we can not prove our hypothesis, shall we:
In the sports-entertainment world, we have "Superstar" Bill Dundee, known for breaking a rule or two in his day. There was Nathan Jones, whom while in prison, legend has it, single-handedly beat up an entire cell block of prisoners before coming to WWE.
Outside of sports-entertainment, we have Russell Crowe who is a complete derelict and fancies himself a "tough guy", a pugilist of sorts. Ha Ha! Russell Crowe could not fight a cold. He would not be able to shoot his way out of a wet paper bag. He doesn't know the difference between a wristlock and a wristwatch! I AM A WWE SUPERSTAR. Russell Crowe is...well....Australian.
Let us see, whom else? Oh! Keith Urban - an Australian who couldn't make it in his homeland so now he masquerades as a country and western singer! Further proof of the criminal mind of deception that the Australian people possess. You don't fool me young man!
As not to sound xenophobic (fear of foreigners) there are some admirable Australians. Hmm...there is...no wait he's a fool...uhhh...ooh we have...eh she's a bit of a tramp...oh! Ok, Mel Gibson.
Mel has given us the beautiful story of our Lord and Savior in his epic: "Passion of the Christ". Gibson also gave us the action thriller of the early 80s from which wrestling greatness was born with "The Road Warrior". He is even responsible for the feel good romantic comedy "Bird on a Wire" with Goldie Hawn.
So, I would imagine there are some redeemable qualities in Australian people other than Gibson and maybe Elle MacPherson (who happens to be the fourth most beautiful woman in the world behind my mother, Shelly Striker, my lady friend at home and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice...she puts the "ow" in White House).
Which brings me to my next point: most people have a warped perception of what beauty is. We should not only base beauty on appearance. Take me as an example. I KNOW I am ridiculously good looking. Yes, I have been in GQ Magazine, but I am also smart, witty, charming, exceptionally humorous and very athletic.
Speaking of athletics, I have tried to watch the national sport of Australia: rugby. This is a silly game. One player runs with the ball until tackled. He is then simply let up, and he tries to run again!?! Not once does anyone on the field attempt a thrust to the throat, or a punch to the face, or an eye gouge, or a double-legged takedown!!! If I were a rugby player, I would dominate (of course).
I'd like to end this lesson by answering some reader mail:
Bill D. from Titusville, Fla. asks:
Dear Sir, have u seen any kangaroos?
No, I have not - but I would like to hunt them if I get the chance. Oh no, wait. Australia is one of these liberal anti-gun panty waste societies isn't it?
Seeing how this is a former prison colony, one would imagine that practical concepts like capital punishment and UNALIENABLE rights such as the right to bear arms would be embraced!
I think we need to send that liberal chatterbox Nancy Pelosi and that pathetic excuse for a Democratic Dead End presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton over to Australia and let the prisoners have their ways with them. Then perhaps, they would open their eyes and close their wallets and see what our great nation is all about!!!
Australia has inspired me to renew my conservative, common sense-based lesson plans - get ready students; September is right around the corner, and school will most definitely be in session with yours truly, Matt Striker.........yourrr teacher.