Five dream matches between Brock Lesnar and the giants of WWE
To defeat a monster, you must put him up against another monster. Godzilla gets King Kong, the kaiju in “Pacific Rim” get Charlie Hunnam in a robot suit, and Brock Lesnar gets, pretty much the biggest guy in the locker room with the stones to take him on.
Only problem is, there hasn’t been a giant in WWE who can beat The Beast Incarnate. Big Show? Torn to bits at the Royal Rumble. Mark Henry? Arm mangled. Undertaker? Well, you know that one. Kane? Put up a decent fight until The Anomaly turned his ankle bones to chalk dust. Point is, there’s not an active big man on the roster Brock hasn’t battled. But maybe, just maybe, these five legendary titans could have gotten the job done.
Brock Lesnar’s F-5 to Mark Henry was a thing of jaw-dropping power. Watching The World’s Strongest Man go spinning in the air was a spit in the face of Newton himself. Now, a hypothetical F-5 to Yokozuna? That’s a dream WrestleMania moment if there ever was one.
WWE Network: Yokozuna battles HBK in a Raw classic
Could Brock have done it? Yokozuna’s pure mass made him immobile in almost every sense of the word; he was just obstinate enough for Lesnar to punch himself out and eat a Banzai Bomb. Alas, seeing whether Brock could muscle the original beast in the East into defeat is a dream match that will never happen. But should you ever come across a “What If?” machine, feel free to pose this as your first query. Just make sure you bring the popcorn.
It’s time! IT’S TIME! IT’S … Lesnar time? Pit The Beast Incarnate against The Mastodon himself, and watch man and beast alike run for cover in what would basically amount to the big “Jurassic World” fight between the constraints of a wrestling ring.
Vader was always spry for his size, and Brock works best when he’s matched in both speed and power, and has to dig deep in his arsenal to rise above. Plus, as Big Van Vader showed on social media, he’s definitely still in fighting shape. He came back to beat up Heath Slater that one time. Think WWE management can entice him to make a run at The Conqueror?
Sid has twice the size of any normal man and thrice the power, so The Ruler of the Universe makes a perfect physical specimen to face Paul Heyman’s Beast in a dream match among giants. Plus, there’s a ready-made hook already there: Two-time WWE Champion Sid was one of The Undertaker’s WrestleMania conquests, so he’d understandably want a crack at the creature who felled The Phenom at The Show of Shows, to prove his power hasn’t faded. Make it happen, crybaby.
Abdullah the Butcher
Oh, man, this would be awesome. Before extreme, or hardcore, or whatever you want to call it, even had a name, Abdullah the Butcher was doing it. The WWE Hall of Famer cut a red-soaked swath through promotions all over the world that was so brutal that he quickly gained the reputation of one of the most animalistic competitors the ring has ever seen.
But Brock’s no slouch, either. In The Beast’s 2012 return match, both he and John Cena were reduced to ruins before the bell tolled, and his dismantling of Big Show at the 2014 Royal Rumble was a case of extreme gone too extreme if ever there was one. By the time a match between The Beast and The Butcher ended, the pinfall would be less an act of victory than an act of mercy.
Andre the Giant
The grand finale. The big ticket. The dream match to end all dream matches where Brock Lesnar is concerned. If you’re looking for a big man to battle The Beast, the list must begin and end with The Eighth Wonder of the World, who manhandled Superstars across the world and carved out a legend in sports-entertainment that can never be replicated.
Despite Andre’s relatively pleasant demeanor, his reputation in the ring was as ruthless as Lesnar’s, which means a hypothetical showdown between The Giant and The Conqueror would truly be a showdown between monsters. You could make an argument that Lesnar might be successful in upending Andre when all was said and done. But even Paul Heyman couldn’t argue that the reverse would be inconceivable.