The sad measure of a McMahon

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November 09, 2007

If Mr. McMahon was attempting to be funny on Raw last Monday, then no one -- least of all, Hornswoggle -- is laughing. As much as everyone enjoys a good joke, there's nothing at all humorous about the WWE Chairman placing his vertically challenged offspring in a one-on-one contest against The Great Khali at Survivor Series.

Unfortunately for the leprechaunic McMahon, his dad wasn't joking. Monday night's misperceived punchline is actually the result of what many before Hornswoggle can attribute as the Chairman's sick, sadistic idea of "tough love." Even Mr. McMahon himself stated that as much as he cared for him, his little troublemaker needed to stand up on his own two feet. "Spare the rod, spoil the child," he told him.

Well, sir, if the alternative to that rod is a 7-foot-3, 420-pound Punjabi monster who's still titanically ticked off about losing his World Heavyweight Title two months ago, then WWE.com pleads on behalf of poor Hornswoggle: Give him the freakin' rod. Put all his toys on the top shelf of a very tall dresser. Make him take a bath. Anything. Just find some other way to discipline the little "green sheep" in your family. Putting him in a match against The Great Khali…well, it's just so incredibly small of you.

Perhaps Hornswoggle should have seen this coming. (And no, we've more class than to deliver insensitive one-liners like "What did you expect? He's 'short-sighted'.") He, along with the rest of us, should have inquired about who had pitted him in recent confrontations with Raw Executive Assistant Jonathan Coachman. We should have questioned the identity of the individual who made him guest-referee Coachman's SmackDown fracas with Mick Foley a week ago.

The sad truth is, we should all know by now that any time there's a mystery in WWE, there's a good chance that a McMahon is somehow involved. And there's an even better chance that it's Mr. McMahon.

"Should," however, is one of those words that society uses upon realizing its shortcomings and failures -- and often after paying a tremendous price. For Hornswoggle, that price will come due a week from Sunday. And unless WWE's Board of Directors protect the little guy with some last-minute "You must be this tall to fight The Great Khali" rule, we just don't see any possible way he can get out of paying it.

For our fans who like making clear, concise match predictions based on "Tales of the Tape," don't bother. Those who watched Raw on Monday had to notice that Hornswoggle barely reaches The Great Khali's waist -- and that's only because he was still wearing his tiny green bowler. Just one of Khali's palms once squashed the air from a basketball; imagine what it will do to the cranium of WWE's pocket-sized pugilist. No, if this Survivor Series match establishes anything, it will be an answer to the question that no philosopher wants to ask: What is the sickening sound of one Khali Vise Grip hand clasping onto Hornswoggle's skull?

By the way, don't expect WWE.com to offer any viable game plan that could help "mite prevail over might" at the upcoming pay-per-view. It's not practical for anyone to hope that Hornswoggle can simply run between Khali's legs -- upright, no less -- and force the colossus to seriously strain his back while he reaches down to clobber him. Besides, even on his knees -- hell, possibly even on his back -- Khali's still taller than his opponent.

Look, Mr. McMahon's illegitimate son is a former Cruiserweight Champion of the World, and he has proven on numerous occasions that no one should ever sell him short. But The Great Khali has beaten down giants like Batista, Undertaker and Kane. His size 18EEEE boot is almost longer than Hornswoggle's leg. Clearly, this is the most lopsided battle since the first confrontation between flying insect and car windshield. And it's not right, damn it. Not by a long shot.

Mr. McMahon, we realize that you want Hornswoggle, the little grape seeded by your grapefruits, to "measure up" to your standards. Really, we get it. But if there's any shred of decency within you, please call off The Great Khali. Don't let this match take place at Survivor Series. There's a gargantuan difference between wanting to crush Hornswoggle's spirit, and his lifelong credo that "size doesn't matter"…and just wanting to crush Hornswoggle.

 

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