The 'Stone Cold' prodigal son?

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August 18, 2007

NEW YORK -- Just when Mr. McMahon thought the search for his illegitimate child couldn't get any worse, enter "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.

Executive Assistant Jonathan Coachman had told the Chairman that he would be able to accurately figure out which Superstar was his bastard on Saturday Night's Main Event. Mr. McMahon was already reeling from seeing a list of potential lost McMahons that included Eugene and Melina. Coach warned the beleaguered Chairman that he wouldn't want to see the last potential love child on his list.

And he was right. Mr. McMahon's eyes bulged when the familiar breaking glass of Stone Cold's theme music signaled his entrance and the possibility that the Texas Rattlesnake could be HIS illegitimate child. The roof of New York City's legendary Madison Square Garden rattled like a flimsy lid on a boiling cauldron trying to contain the eruption from our fans as the Chairman's longtime nemesis marched down the ramp toward the ring.

Joining Mr. McMahon and Executive Assistant Jonathan Coachman in the squared circle, Austin came out with both barrels blazing.

"I never figured I might have a jackass as a father," Austin hollered as he paced the ring.

But the Chairman would have none of it.

"As far as you being my illegitimate son," he said, his face twisted like an old dish rag. "There's no chance in hell!"

For a while, it appeared the Texas Rattlesnake was growing nostalgic for the days that might have been.

"We missed out on so many good things in life," said Austin, who talked about playing catch, watching football games together and building go-carts.

But the pleasantries were fleeting. When he finished, the six-time WWE Champion asked what could be done to help with, as he called them, Mr. McMahon's "overactive grapefruits." He offered up a solution in the form of a swift kick and punch to the Chairman's groin. As Mr. McMahon writhed in pain, Austin administered a Stone Cold Stunner to Coachman, who collapsed in a sharp-dressed heap on the mat.

Austin was far from finished. After dousing Coachman in beer, he helped McMahon to his feet and even offered him a cold one. The Chairman barely had time to take a sip when Austin decided to reward his old antagonist with a Stone Cold Stunner of his own. (WATCH)

 The Stunner punctuated a terrible night for the Chairman. Coachman had said earlier that he had narrowed the list of Superstars who could be his illegitimate child. At first Mr. McMahon was eager with anticipation, but was later horrified and rejected each suspect, one-by-one, for very different reasons.

First Eugene emerged. As the man-child himself fluttered toward the ring, the Chairman's once anxious eyes shot up toward the heavens as if to ask, "Why me?" Our fans, naturally, roared with approving laughter.

Mr. McMahon, however, failed to see the humor. "I had sex with a stranger, not my cousin," he barked. "There's absolutely no way this man could be my child." Never one to let reality intrude on him, Eugene was undeterred. "I love you, Dad," he cried before wrapping his arms around the Chairman and smothering him with a kiss.

After Mr. McMahon sent Eugene scurrying from the ring, Coachman reminded the Chairman of a tryst he'd undertaken at a WrestleMania 2 after-party in Los Angeles. With Mr. McMahon eagerly anticipating his next potential offspring, Melina sashayed down the ramp wearing a form-fitting dress and a scowl. Mr. McMahon closed his eyes, threw his head back and gave the impression that he'd rather be anywhere else. (WATCH

"She cannot be my daughter," Mr. McMahon protested. "The reason she can't be my daughter is…"

The sentence trailed off as he leaned over and whispered the rest to Coachman, whose expression morphed from curiosity to horror.

 "Oh, my God," the Executive Assistant said. "That's disgusting!" Mr. McMahon then tried to reassure Melina that a private (and once-secret) "meeting" the two had conducted on July 4 would eventually prove harmless. If the two had ever harbored romantic longings for one another, the thought of a possible father-daughter relationship quickly rendered those feelings beyond moot.

"You better hope that [our meeting was harmless]," Melina snapped, choking back her disgust. "Because if it turns out that I'm... that I'm your daugh-daughter, I'm gonna take you for every cent that you have."

Since Coachman's powers of deduction appear to have proven so faulty, the Chairman and all of WWE remain in the dark about the true identity of his illegitimate child. As a result, more torturous evenings may be in store for Mr. McMahon, who must desperately want to awaken from this nightmare.

To get the full results of Saturday Night's Main Event, click HERE.

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