Here's to the Greatest Superstar in Raw History

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December 11, 2007

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. -- Tonight, amid an historic, star-studded evening that commemorated 15 years and 759 episodes of Monday Night Raw, Mr. McMahon declared himself the Greatest Superstar in Raw History. Unfortunately for the WWE Chairman, Mankind, Undertaker and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin were on hand to personally congratulate him -- with a Mr. Socko-garbed Mandible Claw, a chokeslam and a Stunner, respectively.

From the Arena at Harbor Yard, Mr. McMahon likely believed that he had already endured the worst of it. Triple H had thoroughly embarrassed his one-time father-in-law by reuniting him with several Raw personalities the Chairman had loved, or attempted to love, before -- from the present (Melina) to the past (Sunny) to the prehistoric (Mae Young), plus those unfortunate enough to have ever been mistaken for a Diva by the boss (including Bastion Booger, Pat Patterson to Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz). Shamed in front of "Daddy's Little Girl" Stephanie, son Shane and illegitimate offspring Hornswoggle, and our fans around the world, it had been, in short (sorry, Hornswoggle), a lousy night that could not get any worse.

Or so Mr. McMahon thought.

Amazingly, the billionaire boss looked pleased inside the ring for Raw's big finale. That's because he was about to bestow a prestigious honor to "a man who is synonymous with the greatness of this program." Perhaps it was the look on his face as he tore open an envelope that contained the winning name, or the drum roll he demanded upon reading it to himself. Regardless, our fans seemed primed to fill the arena with their raucous jeers the very instant he read aloud, "The Greatest Superstar in Raw History is…Vincent Kennedy McMahon!"

Listening to Mr. McMahon's insincere shock and modesty was like watching the Academy Awards -- the worst parts, anyway. Thankfully, it didn't last long, as Mick Foley -- sporting his Mankind mask and attire, plus a cottony-coarse sock on his right hand -- entered the ring, turning our fans' jeers into even louder cheers. The Chairman, accusing Mankind of being jealous, demanded that he leave the ring immediately. But before the self-proclaimed Greatest Superstar in Raw History could further put his foot in his mouth, Mankind's "Mandible Socko" literally beat him to the punch, leaving him down for the count on the mat.

Suddenly, a very familiar knell sounded, and the arena lights went out. In terms of consciousness, Mr. McMahon wasn't home -- at least not while The Undertaker slowly made his way toward the squared circle. Slowly righting himself as the lights came back on, the so-called Greatest Superstar in Raw History still hadn't seen The Phenom standing behind him…though the horrified look on his face revealed that he could sense the same icy chill felt by countless Raw Superstars over the past 15 years.

There wasn't much time for Mr. McMahon to react in any way other than sheer terror; within instants, Undertaker had grabbed the billionaire by his throat, then drilled him into the canvas with a bone-rattling chokeslam. For the second time in as many minutes, the lights went out -- both for the WWE Chairman and for our fans. But when power had again been restored, The Phenom had disappeared, WWE's billionaire boss still tasted canvas, and our fans began leaving the Arena at Harbor Yard, satisfied by Monday Night Raw's 15th anniversary beyond their wildest expectations.

Yeah, right.

Suddenly, the sound of breaking glass filled the building, and our fans in Bridgeport welcomed "Stone Cold" Steve Austin like a conquering hero. Forcing back a laugh while looking at the "pitiful sight" that was Mr. McMahon, Austin then did the very thing that has made him a Raw ring legend since his first Monday Night appearance in 1996: He gave his boss -- and our "What?"-chanting fans -- the bottom line.

"I thought I'd come out here and say congratulations for 15 years of Monday Night Raw," Austin announced. "I thought I'd drink a little beer, have a little celebration. I've got to say, 15 years of Monday Night Raw is one hell of an accomplishment, and it deserves a damn toast."

Calling for some Steveweisers, the Rattlesnake practically coiled up next to the still-prone Chairman, in an attempt to help him partake in some liquid refreshment. Seeing that it wasn't working for the Greatest Superstar in Raw History, Austin made a concerted effort to help Mr. McMahon to his feet, placed a Steveweiser in his wobbling hand, congratulated him…then "toasted" him with a Stone Cold Stunner that may be felt by the Chairman for the next 15 years.

But Austin wasn't finished; he wanted to make one more thing known to our fans. "The Greatest Superstar of Raw isn't in this ring," he told them. "The Greatest Superstars of Raw are all around this ring right here…. [They're] all over the whole damn world. The Greatest Superstars of Raw are you." By that, he meant the fan in the nosebleed seat, the one with the "Stone Cold" sign, the ones "sitting in their houses right now, watching color TV, watching the home of Monday Night Raw…and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!"

With that, Austin called for 15 years' worth of WWE Superstars to come down to the ring and participate in a celebratory beer bash. For a few minutes anyway, the entire WWE roster was more than happy to put aside rivalries and do precisely that. As for Mr. McMahon, it's impossible to predict whether or not he might have chimed in on what must be regarded as one of the greatest moments in Raw History -- especially since Austin knocked him out of the ring, then saturated him with several cans of Steveweisers.

Here's to 15 years of Monday Night Raw…and to many more years ahead with you, the greatest fans in the world.

 

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