Mini-McMahon

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September 11, 2007

GREEN BAY, Wisc. -- After five grueling weeks of searching high and, well, apparently not low enough, Mr. McMahon has finally learned the identity of his illegitimate son: Hornswoggle!

The revelation reverberated through the Resch Arena like an undersized uppercut to Mr. McMahon's grapefruits. Upon hearing the news, the Chairman stood in the middle of the squared circle in stony silence, his face screwed into a disbelieving scowl. As our fans howled their approval, the Lil' Bastard, as he had been appropriately known, scrambled from under the ring and, in short order (naturally), scampered across the mat to cling tightly to his newfound father's left leg. (WATCH)

The night initially held high hopes for Mr. McMahon. After last week's Raw, in which the lawyer for the woman who brought the paternity suit against him dropped the clue that, "Things are looking up," the Chairman was courted this week by The Great Khali. The Punjabi powerhouse tried, in his own unintelligible way, to express how flattered he would be to learn he was a McMahon.

The Genetic Jackhammer then received a visit by JBL, who also poured syrupy words of praise over Mr. McMahon about how similarly astute the two are and how the smooth-talking SmackDown announcer would be honored to be an heir to the McMahon fortune.

Later in the night, Mr. McMahon gathered to the ring all the Superstars from across the three WWE brands — Raw, SmackDown and ECW — and demanded that the lawyer of the mystery woman divulge the identity of his illegitimate son. Rather than immediately divulge the identity, though, the lawyer dropped a series of clues to narrow the search. 

He told Mr. McMahon that his illegitimate son was: not extreme, had a fondness for gold, fair skin, fair hair and loved to play the game.

The clues left only Triple H standing in the ring to face Mr. McMahon. Both men seemed devastated at the conclusion they had each drawn.

"Something's wrong with this," cried Mr. McMahon. "This is not right, this is not right!"

But before the Chairman could commiserate any further, he was interrupted.

"Things are looking up, Mr. McMahon," the lawyer said, "but not for you — for your son, Hornswoggle."

Now that the Cruiserweight Champion is officially an heir to the McMahon fortune, will he forsake his treasured Lucky Charms for thick, juicy Porterhouse steaks? Will he trade in the green glow of his home under the ring for the green grass of a suburban mansion? Will he discard his leprechaun attire in favor of tailored power suits? One thing is certain, the celebration started early, as the little man kicked things off big-time after Raw. (WATCH)

Check out Hornswoggle's T-shirt...

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