Mr. McMahon lays down the lawsuit

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August 28, 2007

BOSTON -- Sparks continue to fly around Mr. McMahon's notoriously short fuse. Talking about his troublesome paternity suit Monday night on Raw, the Chairman finally drew a line in the sand. He announced on Carlito's Cabana that he will file a lawsuit against the mystery woman who gave birth to his illegitimate son unless she discloses the child's name by Sept. 10 when Raw travels to Green Bay.

"I will sue her for emotional distress," said Mr. McMahon, who has complained about jittery nerves and sleepless nights.

To further Mr. McMahon's frustrations, Raw General Manager William Regal barged into his office later that evening to deliver some seriously unpleasant news. He had just received a call from the Chairman's lawyers, who informed the Englishman that Mr. McMahon's family — Linda, Stephanie and Shane — would be confronting the McMahon family patriarch during next week's Raw.

"And their bringing their attorneys," Regal informed him.

Back at the Cabana, the Chairman's anguished ultimatum was compounded by a surprise stop over by Triple H, who made his return to the ring on SummerSlam last night. And it only took a moment for The King of Kings to get right under Mr. McMahon's skin -- which he has made a favorite pastime.

"Never fear because Triple H is here," The Game explained, offering to help with Mr. McMahon's paternity woes. "I spanned the globe searching high and low [for the mystery woman]." He went on to describe how, after an extensive search, he had compiled a list of four women with whom Mr. McMahon had had sex with at one time or another.

The first woman introduced, a baggage check girl at the Pontiac Silverdome, looked like an Aretha Franklin doppleganger and tipped the scales around 350 pounds.

"One-eyed Wendy" plodded out next, sporting a bleached bouffant hairdo and an eye patch. "I guess I poked her in the eye," Mr. McMahon said of their amorous accident.

The third woman Triple H brought out was none other than Carlito's sister. Talk about awkward! Mr. McMahon quickly turned to the Caribbean Bad Apple to explain.

"You were four, and we thought you were asleep," he told him.

Mr. McMahon's final conquest sashayed out wearing a sparkling silver gown and a conspicuous amount of makeup. "You knew her as Francine, but everyone else knows her as Frank," Triple H told Mr. McMahon, revealing the fourth and final woman to be a transvestite.

As if Mr. McMahon's humiliation weren't absolute, Triple H warned the Chairman against operating what he alleged was a rooster-fighting ring. Mr. McMahon denied having any knowledge of the ring and reiterated his love of animals.

"You hate dogs," Triple H said.

"I love dogs," Mr. McMahon insisted.

"You hate cats," Triple H told him.

"I love cats," McMahon replied.

"You hate cocks," Triple H shouted.

"I love co…" McMahon stopped short.

Despite the audience erupting with delight, next week will certainly be no laughing matter for the Chairman. As his problems continue to mount, he now must contend with a set of difficulties brought on by those closest to him, his own family.

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