It's a boy, but which one?

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August 21, 2007

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C.  -- Congratulations, Mr. McMahon. Your illegitimate child is a boy. The illegitimate fruit of your loins among WWE Superstars is not a Diva.

The Chairman seemed relieved and his chest appeared to swell with pride when he shared the news with our fans at the Crown Coliseum in Fayetteville, N.C. Up until that point, his quest to uncover the identity of the WWE Superstar who is his love child had made little progress. Executive Assistant Jonathan Coachman had shown Mr. McMahon Superstars he believed stood the best chance of being his illegitimate child, and he had rejected almost all of them.

But on Monday Night Raw, the Chairman announced that progress had been made and that the Divas on the roster could be eliminated as potential lost McMahons. And it was a good thing, too. Given all the current Divas the Chairman has had rendezvous with or lusted after, learning that one of them could be his long-lost daughter would have been horrifying for everyone involved. Just remember the look on Mr. McMahon and Melina's face on Saturday Night's Main Event when the Coach presented her as a potential illegitimate McMahon. (WATCH)

So, with one gender out of the equation, the billionaire has surveyed the Raw locker room and sized up the male Superstars. His beady eyes squinted as he examined Randy Orton closely. Orton is a third-generation Superstar who has been recognized as the son of WWE Hall of Famer Bob Orton, Jr. and the grandson of Bob Orton, Sr. But the Chairman noted that the Legend Killer had many of the same characteristics that he hoped his illegitimate son would have. (WATCH)

"I would hope my son would have many of the traits that you have, Randy," he said. "I would be proud to call you my son. … I would hope that my illegitimate child is not like my other two children, Shane and Stephanie. It's all about the money -- it's all about the MON-AY -- with those two. I would hope that my son would be magnanimous, would give back."

One-by-one, the Chairman surmised the WWE Superstars who could be his son. WWE Champion John Cena? No way. Too gutteral and grassroots, according to Mr. Mc Mahon. Daivari? Nah! Val Venis? The former adult film star's sexual appetite and confidence rivals the Chairman's. Mr. Kennedy? He walks with a swagger. He doesn't seem to fear anyone. He's a competitor. The Green Bay, Wis., native will kick you're a**, and give you a play-by-play account of your own beating while he's doing it. And his last name is Kennedy. Mr. McMahon almost looked like he was staring into the mirror when he looked into the former Mr. Money in the Bank's eyes. Hmmmm… (WATCH)

What does Shane McMahon have to say about all of this? The Chairman has expressed dismay that Shane was missing in action at "Mr. McMahon Appreciation Night" a few months ago. He has also expressed disappointment in Shane and blamed him for several embarrassing moments over the past year, including getting his head shaved bald at WrestleMania 23 after the Battle of the Billionaires.

One thing is certain: Mr. McMahon desperately wants to find out which WWE Superstar is his illegitimate offspring. He will be relentless in his mission to bring the long-lost, prodigal McMahon son back home. The Chairman will continue his search on ECW on Tuesday night.

To read the full results of Raw, click HERE.

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