The Lunatic Fringe answers The Monster Among Men's challenge for competition.09/25/2017 - 22:45
12 other positions that General Manager John Laurinaitis needs to fill on his staff
Meet the GM's Dream Team ...
Watch out, WWE Universe. Mr. John Laurinaitis' administrative staff appears to be growing.
The General Manager of both Raw and SmackDown hired Eve to be his Executive Administrator on Raw SuperShow, bolstering a team that already included David Otunga as the GM's legal counsel.
The intriguing addition has us wondering: What if Laurinaitis isn't done making hires? Are there other positions that he's planning to fill in the future?
Surely, there are a number of other potential roles that would make sense for the GM to explore. And at the rate at which "People Power" is expanding, it's not out of the realm of possibility that Laurinaitis eventually has an entourage that dwarfs Vincent Chase's (or LeBron James, if you prefer non-fictional characters).
WWE.com took a stab at envisioning what Laurinaitis' administrative staff could look like down the road. From a stylist and personal trainer to an interior decorator and voice coach, it's time to explore what positions the GM might consider adding into the mix and help him select the right men and women for the jobs.
Accountants – Money Inc.
Mo' money, mo' problems? Not with Money Inc. balancing the books!
Whether it comes to itemizing contributions ("special" donations to Brock Lesnar) or tallying business expenses (David Otunga's coffee supply), I.R.S. and The Million Dollar Man will make sure Laurinaitis gets the maximum refund when tax season rolls around. Of course, I.R.S. will submit a 100% honest and accurate tax return, with absolutely no shenanigans in crunching the numbers.
Psssshhhttt, who are we kidding? I.R.S. knows all the tricks to pull the fleece over the government agency's eyes, and The Million Dollar Man might be even more devious than his partner in doling out sneaky financial tips, such as claiming former SmackDown GM Teddy Long as a dependent.
Bodyguard – Mr. Hughes
CM Punk, Triple H, John Cena … the list of Superstars that have taken issue with the Raw and SmackDown GM always seems to be getting bigger. The easiest way for Laurinaitis to stop unwanted intruders from barging into his office is dedicated protection.
Enter Mr. Hughes, one of the baddest, meanest enforcers in sports-entertainment history. Standing 6-foot-5 and 250 pounds, Hughes previously served as the bodyguard for Chris Jericho and Triple H, among others, and once had the intestinal fortitude to stand up to The Undertaker and steal his urn.
If his attire didn't give you a clue, just look at his nasty scowl to know that Mr. Hughes means business. And if anyone can appreciate a no-nonsense bodyguard, it's Mr. Laurinaitis.
Stylist – Slick
They don't call him The Doctor of Style for nothing.
Slick's look, talk and fashion sense all embody the word "smooth." As a manager in WWE, Slick proved he could command respect from mighty Superstars like Akeem and the Big Boss Man. Now that Laurinaitis has to deal with the beastly Brock Lesnar on a regular basis, he'll need to up his game – and his style – to maintain confidence in the face of adversity.
Slick can instill a bold attitude and unmistakable swagger in Laurinaitis' entire wardrobe, and if he's lucky, he'll also get Punk to stop cracking those Men's Wearhouse jokes.
Personal trainer – Sunny
There are many Superstars and Divas in outstanding physical condition who could fill this role. However, just one woman has the track record as a true fitness fanatic in the ring. WWE Hall of Famer Sunny brought The Bodydonnas to the top of WWE's tag team ranks and preached diet and fitness to the WWE Universe at every opportunity.
Since Laurinaitis' schedule is only getting busier and busier, he'll need a strict training regimen tailor-made for his active lifestyle. With The Bodydonnas, Sunny realized there wasn't a minute of exercise to lose, and routinely led the sculpted duo in jumping jacks and push-ups while the matches were going on. Now that's dedication.
Executive chef – Jim Ross
There's no denying that Laurinaitis and Jim Ross have had their differences. In fact, Good Ol' J.R. was unceremoniously fired by the GM on the Oct. 10, 2011, edition of Raw SuperShow. But there's also no denying that the legendary announcer makes some darn good barbecue sauces, beef jerky and other condiments.
It wouldn't be a stretch to see Ross use some of the great, down-home recipes from his cookbook to create a menu that will have the GM grinning ear to ear. Perhaps some mouth-watering beef ribs can squash their beef?
Nutritionist – Daniel Bryan
Hey, if J.R. is cooking up all that red meat, someone has to keep Laurinaitis' diet balanced with heaping helpings of vegetables. Who better to lead the detoxification than Daniel Bryan?
The vegan Superstar can provide the Raw and SmackDown GM with an outline full of foliage that will ensure Sunny's fitness efforts aren't all for naught. Brussels sprouts? YES! Asparagus? Double YES!
Publicist – The Miz
Look no further for the most awesome choice for Mr. Laurinaitis' publicist. Beyond being an electric loudmouth, The Miz is also quite the media maven. He's cracked up the crowd while appearing on "Conan," he's torn up the mic during WWE Karaoke on "Lopez Tonight," and he recently guest-starred on USA Network's hit show "Psych." Oh, and let's not forget he first learned how to deal with the press when he was a reality TV star on "The Real World: Back to New York."
The Awesome One is always embraced by mainstream media because of his great charisma and personal charm. Now it's time to work that magic for the man who calls himself "Mr. Excitement."
Financial advisor – JBL
For JBL, investment savvy isn't part of his character – it's his way of life. The big-mouthed businessman's success in the stock market has led to many TV analyst opportunities on shows like Fox News Channel's "Bulls & Bears," as well as a best-selling book on financial planning called "Have More Money Now."
With Laurinaitis' stock on the rise, it's the perfect time for JBL to help him diversify his brand. The Raw and SmackDown GM started to scratch the surface with the Future Endeavored T-shirt on WWEShop.com and the Team Johnny gear at WrestleMania. Why not take it to the next level? WWE Universe members could be sipping "Mr. Excitement's Energy Elixirs" and driving around with "Honk if You Love People Power" bumper stickers.
Barber – Brutus Beefcake
It's not easy maintaining such a clean-cut, corporate look every week on Raw and SmackDown. And any man will openly admit that shaving can be such a pain. Thankfully, there's a very skilled barber among WWE's past Superstars who is always ready to snip-snip.
From the moment he shaved off Adrian Adonis' blond locks at WrestleMania III, Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake became known for his haircutting talent as well as his accomplishments in the ring. If Beefcake can resist reaching for his signature garden shears and stick with the electric razor instead, "The Barber Shop" could be back in business.
Interior decorator – Michael "P.S." Hayes
As The Doctor of Style goes to work on Laurinaitis' image, one of The Fabulous Freebirds will inject a one-of-a-kind flair into the GM's office space. Especially as more and more Superstars pay him a visit, Laurinaitis would do well to give them a welcoming domain to share their concerns.
Take one glance at Michael "P.S." Hayes' outrageously hip jackets and you'll realize why he's the man for this makeover challenge. Bring on the leather couches with tassels!
Voice coach – Ricardo Rodriguez
When you Google "John Laurinaitis," one of the first suggested results is "John Laurinaitis voice." The GM's trademark delivery is so memorable that some WWE Universe members try to duplicate it with their best impersonations posted on YouTube.
Alberto Del Rio's personal ring announcer, Ricardo Rodriguez, might be able to share some helpful voice lessons in eliminating that throaty emphasis – and maybe teach him how to roll an "R" or two when addressing the Spanish-speaking Superstars. Then again, Laurinaitis' voice has become such a staple on Raw and SmackDown, we'd certainly feel a bit strange if the rasp was gone.
Chauffeur – Bob "Spark Plug" Holly
When Laurinaitis has to be somewhere in a flash, there's only one man to call for a ride: Bob "Spark Plug" Holly.
Before he blazed his path to six Hardcore Championships, Bob Holly was a NASCAR driver turned WWE Superstar with a serious need for speed. If Cena can lend "Spark Plug" one of his customized Ford Mustangs, then we'll really see some burning rubber.