7 fantasy hardcore matches

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May 01, 2014

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There is a certain degree of spectacle behind most dream matches: Fans imagine potential WrestleMania main events and epic showdowns between everlasting icons that may have happened if time and space didn’t stand in the way.

These dream matches are not those kinds of dream matches.

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Instead of headliners on The Grandest Stage of Them All, we pitted today’s Superstars against a rogues’ gallery of grunge-rock sadists, inbred brawlers, and one intelligent monster in the kinds of ghastly fistfights that could have occupied their own bizarre subsection of tape-trading websites during the late ’90s. And not only did we schedule the matches, but — because we’re serious nerds — we booked the venues, too. We dropped John Cena in the middle of the snakepit that was the ECW Arena in 1997, and sent Dean Ambrose to Japan’s Korakuen Hall — the site of history’s grisliest bloodlettings.

Yeah, we called them “dream matches,” but, in reality, these are nightmares.

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