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15 Superstars and Divas we would NEVER invite to Thanksgiving dinner
At WWE.com, we hold the Thanksgiving holiday sacred. The fourth Thursday of the month of November is a special, celebratory day, dedicated to family, friends and giving thanks for our many blessings.
We’re particularly thankful this and every Thanksgiving for WWE’s Superstars and Divas — current and all-time — who made WWE the most must-see entertainment in the world. What better way to say “thank you” to our in-ring idols than to extend an impromptu invite to enjoy some tryptophan-tinged turkey with the folks of WWE.com?
Even some of the most despicable, deplorable ruffians in WWE history often find themselves with a courtesy invite to our annual Thanksgiving dinner. There are, however, 15 Superstars and Divas we would NEVER invite to our holiday feast. Read on to find out whom and why …
The Missing Link
There are several reasons why The Missing Link would likely find himself “missing” an invitation to WWE.com’s Thanksgiving dinner. First of all, we prefer not to invite guests who need to have the concept of “Thanksgiving” explained to them. Combine that with the difficulty of contacting someone whose address is “Parts Unknown” and this feral Superstar’s odds of getting an invite are sinking rapidly.
Sporting blue and green face paint, shaved portions of his head and face and a penchant for ramming his own noggin repeatedly into turnbuckles, The Missing Link’s uncontrollable spirit wouldn’t fit with our holiday atmosphere and the prehistoric punisher would surely feel out of place. Primitive and, let’s just say, “rough around the edges,” The Missing Link simply isn’t as highly evolved as some of our other potential dinner guests.
From too base to too academic, Damien Sandow is a loquacious, attention-seeking intellectual. Sure, we all like to take a moment to say a few words and express how thankful we are, but we don’t need an hour-long soliloquy from some bearded braggart.
Sure the self-aggrandizing “Intellectual Savior to the Masses” could regale us with entertaining tale at the dinner table. His overbearing presence and constant need to critique every dish like Gordon Ramsay, however, would make him a most unpleasant guest.
It’s obvious when he speaks that Sandow looks down on everyone and is really only concerned with himself. That’s the last thing we need on a day of positivity. So Damien Sandow, you’ll have to make your own Thanksgiving plans. You’re not welcome.
Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake
A flamboyant hairdresser who competed in WWE in the ’80s and early ’90s, Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake was one of the most popular competitors of his generation.
That popularity, however, doesn’t carry over to the WWE.com dinner table. The fierce, yet fashionable, competitor would not be invited to our Thanksgiving meal. With his massive intensity and his microscopic spandex shorts, Brutus would likely dominant the table discussion a little too much for our tastes.
And we know, since he’s such a take-charge Superstar, he’d insist on cutting the turkey, likely with his shears. Well, Brutus will have to be “cuttin’ and struttin’ ” somewhere else on this Thanksgiving!
We at WWE.com are all for having a potluck meal and asking our guests to bring a dish or two, but Gangrel’s thirst for a familiar red liquid would make this an imprudent idea.
The vampiric Gangrel, who was part of The Undertaker’s Ministry of Darkness and who led The Brood and The New Brood in the late ’90s, isn’t exactly the kind of company we like to keep. With eerie gothic music and fire always accompanying his entrance, the fanged Superstar always exuded an air of mystery and danger.
That might have thrilled legions of WWE fans and “Twilight” devotees, but for our Thanksgiving, we want a nice, relaxing day of thanks, not a “brooding” bloodbath.
The Human Wrecking Ball would certainly wreck our turkey day feast.
A proud bully, Ryback tends to crank up the levels of intimidation and intensity wherever he goes. Although we're consistently impressed with the powerhouse Superstar's strength and talent in the ring, the Thanksgiving dinner table just isn't a good place for the big guy, regardless of how ravenous he may be.
Sorry, Ryback, but the last thing we need is some enormous bully hitting our delicious Thanksgiving bird with Shell Shocked!
Earsplitting, hysterical, irate.
Oh Vickie Guerrero, how we despise thee. Sure, The Queen Diva has a “way” with words, has been quite a successful manager and definitely has some friends in high places, but WWE’s resident shrew has a long, long history of not playing well with others.
Excuse us when we say this, but Vickie, you are not invited to WWE.com’s Thanksgiving!
The infamous hymn of The Berzerker is just one reason why this Viking Superstar who pillaged WWE in the early ’90s will not be getting an invite to Thanksgiving dinner.
Dressed in full Viking attire with a sword, horned helmet and some strange mannerisms such as repetitively grabbing his own wrists, The Berzerker isn’t the cultured, refined kind of Superstar we prefer to dine with. Table manners and sanitation issues aside, a destructive berserker rage is the last thing we need this holiday season.
Whether he eats all the stuffing or simply beats it out of the rest of our guests, The Berzerker would certainly be a most unwelcome addition to dine with huss, er, us.
The notorious Shockmaster is off our guest list mostly because we fear what havoc could be wrought by his entrance. Careening through a wall or trampling all that lies in his lumbering path, this super-sized Superstar would likely knock over the dinner table.
Just the thought of the turkey bouncing off the floor like it received a Shockmaster Splash or gravy dripping down the wall is enough to bring tears to our eyes. Although we love to laugh and the clumsy Superstar could be good for a humorous gaffe, there’s just no way we’re letting him anywhere near our dinner table.
The Iron Sheik
Just like he historically ended WWE Champion Bob Backlund’s incredible 763-day title reign on Dec. 26, 1983, The Iron Sheik could end WWE.com’s ongoing streak of successful Thanksgiving dinners.
That’s why the onetime WWE Champion and WWE Hall of Famer will not be receiving an invitation. When we’re just trying to enjoy some good food and drinks, we don’t want to endure a spine-crushing suplex, the crippling Camel Clutch maneuver or an anti-American rant. That is not something we would give thanks for. We don’t need his help to be "humble" this holiday season.
Sorry, Zeb, but we, the people at WWE.com, have decided to rescind your Thanksgiving invitation.
It's not that we can't appreciate the mustachioed manager's uncompromising patriotism or his way with words. It's just that the outspoken curmudgeon would undoubtedly bring a little too much anger and yelling to the dinner table.
Looks like Zeb, Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro will be spending this Thanksgiving together.
Wait, why wouldn’t WWE.com want the company of a beautiful Diva? Wouldn’t the radiant Dawn Marie bring some class and charisma to our holiday dinner? Well, you might think that, unless you’ve seen the November 28, 2002, episode of SmackDown, when the lovely Dawn engaged in one of the most physical, sloppiest food fights in WWE history with her rival Torrie Wilson.
There have been plenty of intense food fights in WWE history, but this one might not only take the cake, but also shove it in your face. Pretty much any other night of the year, we would be tripping all over ourselves to have dinner with the stunning Dawn Marie, but on Thanksgiving? No thanks.
When Ken Shamrock says, “Pass me a leg,” he’s not talking about a drumstick.
Here at WWE.com, we prefer to have our ankles attached to our legs, thank you very much. That’s why “The World’s Most Dangerous Man” and the master of the devastating Ankle Lock is most definitely not part of our Thanksgiving plans.
With unbridled intensity and an uncontrollable temper, Shamrock fits better in the ring or octagon than he does at the dinner table. And we’ll do anything to avoid being challenged to a Thanksgiving Dinner Submission Match.
If the name alone wasn’t enough to guarantee an invitation being “lost in the mail,” then Bastion Booger’s physical appearance and questionable hygiene certainly seal the deal.
It’s no surpirse that as the corpulent competitor finished at No. 1 on WWE.com’s list of the grossest Superstars of all time. If Booger were to attend our dinner, we might need to get different cuisine that he’s more comfortable with. Say, Alpo and Milk Bones?
And come on. His name is “Booger” …
Andre the Giant
With an appetite as enormous as his body, Andre the Giant would eat us out of house and home … if he could even fit inside!
“The Eighth Wonder of the World” may have spent most of his career as a beloved fan favorite, but the 7-foot-4, 500-pound behemoth also had a temper.
The last thing we need is to run out of food or wine at Thanksgiving with an angry, hungry, larger-than-life Superstar. Andre might be one of the greatest Superstars ever and the first inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame, but he doesn’t make our Thanksgiving cut.
The Gobbledy Gooker
Was there really anyone else who could come in at No. 1?
The tricky turkey known as The Gobbledy Gooker made his debut at the 1990 Survivor Series. Greeted with boos from the Hartford, Conn., crowd, the Gooker’s time in WWE was short-lived. Although he made sporadic appearances in WWE in the last 20 or so years, one event he will not attend is the WWE.com Thanksgiving dinner.
There’s only room for one turkey at WWE.com’s Thanksgiving. But if we need another, Gooker, you’re at the top of the list, big guy.
Those are the 15 Superstars and Divas we’ve singled out as too loud, too disgusting and too reprehensible to be invited to WWE.com’s Thanksgiving dinner. For the rest of the WWE roster and the WWE Universe, see you Thursday. Goldust, don’t forget the cranberries!