15 truly baffling mic moments
January 14, 2014
Don't feel too bad, Brian Williams. You're not the only guy who got it screwed up in your mind.
For every Rock, CM Punk or “Nature Boy” who uses scintillating trash talk to build intrigue, cut down opponents or capture the imagination of the WWE Universe, there are just as many instances of Superstars getting tongue-tied and delivering messages that probably sounded better in their heads than they did on the microphone. Other times, Superstars say exactly what they mean and yet the point of their speech still confounds, or at least eludes, anyone who’s watching.
But just because these swings-and-misses might not have resonated with their audiences, they’re still fun to watch, right? As “Jumpin’” Jeff Farmer might say, “Yep!” With that in mind, here are 15 examples of Superstar interviews that went terribly awry, boggled the WWE Universe or were just plain weird. This time, we’re going full force!
'I have half the brain that you do'
Master and Ruler of the World. The Millennium Man. Sycho. Sid was recognized by many monikers throughout his career. Unfortunately, mathematician was not one of them. Addressing his rivals Kevin Nash and Scott Hall on the Nov. 11, 1999, episode of Nitro, the former WCW World Champion did some quick number-crunching in his head and declared with conviction, “You know and I know that you're only half the man that I am. And I have half the brain that you do!” Whether misspoken, mistaken or misinterpreted, you’ll get no argument here, Sid. — JAKE GRATE
‘Let me entertainment you!’
Yeah, English obviously isn’t Aksana’s first language, but the introductory interview she delivered on WWE NXT on Sept. 7, 2010, made you wonder if it was even her 31st language. It’s not uncommon for competitors to talk about themselves in the third-person — “Superstar” Billy Graham made a career out of it — but when Aksana did it she sounded like she was speaking about some woman she knew named Aksana. This was all before she absentmindedly slipped into a foreign tongue that sounded like the language the bad guys in “Hostel” speak and signed off by saying, “Double U, Double U Universe, let me entertainment you!” By the time she finished that sentence, her work had already been done. — RYAN MURPHY
'64 may be 65 or may be 46 in somebody else's eyes'
It might have been advantageous of Don Muraco to have more than one thing to say about his rival Ricky Steamboat, but this beach bum decided to fly by the seat of his board shorts in this misguided interview. The recently crowned King of the Ring was on the right track as he addressed Steamboat’s choice of The Junkyard Dog as a tag partner, but Muraco quickly went off the rails. With his eyes darting all over the broadcast studio, The Magnificent One — whose jersey bore the number “64” — began spouting about “time” and “numbers” and “space.” In his attempt to wax profound, Muraco only managed to confound viewers. — ZACH LINDER
'I'm so humiliated right now, I'm afraid to turn my back'
Though Ken Patera was the subject of this interview, the Olympic strongman can hardly be blamed for the weird way the segment turned out. That honor belongs to “Mean” Gene Okerlund, who inexplicably went into business for himself after Patera, upset over a sneak attack by The Heenan Family, said he was afraid to turn his back. In turn, Gene took a look at Patera’s muscular back and cracked himself up in the process. For the rest of the interview, Gene tried his best to keep a straight face, but his obvious struggle appeared to throw Patera off his game. We’re pretty sure this isn’t how Patera intended his dead-serious threat to Heenan’s crew to sound. — JOHN CLAPP
The inimitable Luna Vachon was always a sight to behold, but when she directed her post-WrestleMania IX rage toward “Sensational” Sherri Martel, the result was one seriously daffy interview. Though her words were fittingly ominous and the classic Vachon growl was there in full splendor, the second-generation Diva spewed her anger in a manner that felt more like a caricature of sports-entertainment than a sincerely sinister plea. It didn’t help matters that Luna was constantly trembling, giving the impression that the dungeon-like studio in which the segment was taped was behind on its heating bill. To cap things off, Vachon punctuated her message with an overwrought shriek. After watching this, we felt like doing the same. — J.C.
'Everybody knows what lumberjacks eat'
Before he terrorized wrestling rings in Japan, Scott Norton was a lumberjack from the frosty wilderness of the Yukon Territories. The burly Norton lumbered into AWA rings in the late ’80s, looking to chop down the competition. Only, it didn’t quite work out that way. Instead, Norton’s partner, “Yukon” John Nord, regaled one-time AWA announcer Eric Bischoff with a tale about the day that his big buddy devoured 298 pancakes, earning the nickname “Flapjack.” Thankfully, it wasn’t long before Norton ditched that moniker, and the lumberjack lifestyle, to become a true monster in the Orient. — BOBBY MELOK
'The main priority in the Yapapi Indian Strap Match is to have flexibility of the wrist'
Rekindling their years-long rivalry, Hulk Hogan clashed with Ric Flair at WCW UnCensored 2000 in a “Yapapi Indian Strap Match.” One problem: There’s no such thing as “Yapapi Indians.” Perhaps the bout was meant to reference the Yavapai people, an indigenous tribe from the land now known as Arizona, but The Hulkster was likely unaware of this. Biceps bulging, The Immortal One challenged Naitch to a nonsensical bout that sounded more like an “apple pie” encounter. Hulk’s flub has taken on a life of its own across the Internet. The bout adopted Hogan’s term and occurred with plenty of “strapation” and “strappage,” brother. — Z.L.
'We take pride in being professional wrestling'
So enraged was Greg Gagne over being cheated out of the AWA Tag Team Titles by The Road Warriors and Paul Ellering that he could barely speak. Or, rather, could barely speak intelligibly. Alongside High Flyer tag partner Jim Brunzell, a flustered Gagne made an impassioned plea for a rematch. Yet, instead of speaking directly to The Legion of Doom, the dropkicking dynamo spent much of the interview staring at the floor. He uttered something about the pride he took in “being pro wrestling” and took an extra beat to find just the right adjective to describe The Road Warriors after calling them “big,” eventually landing on “powerful.” Brunzell eventually jumped in, unnecessarily summarizing their match against Animal & Hawk in painstaking detail. — J.C.
'What is a mustache?'
The early seasons of WWE NXT often tested Rookie Superstars’ ability to think on their feet. There was no better test than the “Talk the Talk” challenge. Seven-footer Eli Cottonwood was given the opportunity to dazzle the WWE Universe with his verbal skills on a topic chosen at random. The giant was told to speak on the word “mustache.” Throughout the next 10 seconds, Cottonwood rambled about … something. Not quite sure if he had a cookie duster or not, the big man attempted to humiliate his mustache-less fellow Rookies, but instead left them cringing while his WWE Pro, John Morrison, hid behind a clipboard. — B.M.
'He don't want no more of me'
Toward the end of WCW, the dangerously volatile “Genetic Freak” posed harm to all, including the English language. Here, he failed to pronounce “stipulation” correctly and insisted on using double negatives (which would lead viewers to believe Goldberg did, in fact, want more of Big Poppa Pump). Linguistics aside, Steiner was hyperbolic in an uncreative sense, claiming to give no fewer than three Superstars the worst defeat of their career. In a particularly offensive outburst, he suggested that WCW’s “white trash” fans didn’t know the meaning of “veni, vidi, vici,” except Steiner himself butchered the pronunciation of the Latin phrase. It also seemed like he forgot the name of WCW’s Mayhem pay-per-view at one point. When it came to nonsensical chatter, Steiner operated with aplomb. — J.C.
'You know something, Ivan Putski, turtle head...'
Paul Orndorff was riding high in January 1985 — that much was made clear in this bizarre interview conducted by Gene Okerlund. Unfortunately, anything else that the big man was trying to communicate beyond that point was lost in his erratic, stream-of-consciousness chatter that touched on everything from Boston sports to his title of “Mr. Wonderful.” “Mean” Gene rolled his eyes but valiantly tried to keep Orndorff on point. Still, the rant ended with Orndorff resorting to childish name calling, describing Ivan Putski in the most despicable of terms: “turtle head.” He explained his rationale, but honestly, it didn’t help much. — J.C.
'Would you like a doughnut?'
Apparently nobody ever told Don Muraco it’s impolite to speak with your mouth full. While chitchatting with “Mean” Gene Okerlund — who seemed to be a lightning rod for Muraco at his most maniacal — in April 1985, the Hawaiian powerhouse began explaining the importance of good nutrition. The original “Rock,” however, wasn’t talking about the paleo diet, or anything even remotely resembling that. Rather, he had doughnuts on his mind. He suddenly produced a powdered doughnut, which he promptly stuffed in his face with the gusto of Bastion Booger. With crumbs flying from his mouth and confectioner’s sugar all over his face, Muraco continued lecturing about healthy eating, though it was all but impossible to understand. — J.C.
‘He’s the B! He’s the oooh!’
What was the worst part about the segment that introduced former Chicago Bear and future abysmal MMA fighter Bob Sapp to WCW fans? Was it first-time (and last-time) interviewer Lenita Erickson announcing Sapp with, “He’s the B! He's the oooh! He's ‘The Beast’ Bob Sapp. Bob, how are youuu?" Was it Sapp identifying an adult man’s height as 4-foot-1 with no hint of sarcasm? Was it the bizarre hucking of Sapp’s upcoming Toughman fight against William “Refrigerator” Perry? The effusive praise for unknown kickboxer Sam Greco? The B-movie villain laugh? Sapp saying “cakewalk walk”? Unfortunately, it was all of that and more. — R.M.
‘It’s not hot, brother’
“There’s no Hulkamaniacs here!” The rare White Bengal Tiger of bad wrestling promos occurred on the July 22, 1995, episode of WCW Saturday Night, when Hulk Hogan was transported to the eerie Dungeon of Doom. “I’ve never been here before!” he correctly deduced. After nearly (not) burning his hand in (not) hot water, “The Immortal One” was confronted by Kevin Sullivan — swinging for the fences in full Sir Laurence Olivier mode — and a massive new enemy in The Giant, bent on crushing Hulkamania. Luckily, Hulkamania — and this pricelessly ridiculous segment — endured. — J.G.
'Let me do this again'
Sid prided himself on being unpredictable, but the self-proclaimed “Master of the Universe” may have been better served to have prepared bullet points before speaking with Jim Ross backstage at the first In Your House. After J.R. asked an innocuous question about Sid’s skeptics, the big man launched into a tirade, only to get tripped up on the first sentence. The psycho one, suddenly appearing wholly lucid, asked to start the interview over again, leading Ross to remind him of pay-per-view’s live nature. J.R. summed up the disastrous interview by calling Sid “a man of few words.” Fewer, perhaps, than even J.R. thought. — J.C.