WWE

The Usos def. The New Day to become new SmackDown Tag Team Champions (Hell in a Cell Match)

DETROIT — Hell in a Cell became The Uso Penitentiary, and Jimmy & Jey earned their fifth Tag Team Championship after powering past The New Day in a match that could only be described as barbaric.

It was that way from the opening bell, as Big E dented the cell with an early spear and Xavier Woods played a tune on The Usos, literally. He destroyed both Francesca II Turbo and her immediate replacement (presumably Francesca III) before employing a cowbell and a gong to his dastardly purposes. The Usos answered with a running stink face to Woods in the crux of the cell wall. Not to be outdone, ya boys proved there were some seriously cruel intentions beneath the unicorns and cereal boxes, trapping Jey in the corner of the cell by threading several kendo sticks through the links of the cage.

The Usos, however, saw New Day and raised them — again, literally. Once Jey freed himself and superkicked Woods, the two brothers took out Big E with a suicide dive after he was perched on one of the challengers’ shoulders. They then unleashed their most savage strategy of the night, handcuffing Big E to the ring and then stringing Woods up over the ring post with cuffs of his own. The brothers then teed off on Woods with an endless series of kendo stick strikes.

Big E harnessed his last bit of unicorn magic by breaking free of his bonds, but a Double Uce took the wind out of his sails for good. Woods broke up that pinfall attempt, but he was now on his own. Still, his last stand was memorable. With his hands still tied, Woods threw headbutts and clubbed axe-handles, but The Usos overwhelmed him, propped a chair on his chest and hit another Double Uce for the win.

In the place where rivalries are settled forever, both tag teams dug deep into the cruelest corners of their imagination, but Jimmy & Jey would not be, could not be, and were not denied. They even made a show of dangling the titles in the assembled New Day’s face with the confidence and glee of a team that knew this was coming since Day One.